March of the Pigs
by Stefan Twoflower Gagne
Summary: Ryouga meets a few new folks with the same curse he has. My first fanfic, a wee bit embarassing now... but fun in its own right. Contains many outdated '90s Nine Inch Nail references.
1. All the Pigs Lined Up

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 1  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
A few background notes before we begin.  
  
Recently, me and the fine folks down at the Bijou Saxon have  
been getting addicted to Viz's lovely dubbed Ranma 1/2 series.   
(I will NOT start talking about dub vs. sub, don't worry) We all  
agree on a few points :  
  
1. Mousse kicks ass.  
2. Happosai must die.  
3. Cobain had NOTHING on Ryouga in the teen angst  
department.  
  
Originally this story was going to be a 'Ryouga Wanders Into  
Seattle' story, but I got a better idea while perusing my CD  
stacks and rocked with that instead. Read on and enjoy.   
Commentary is always welcome at gagne@locust.cic.net, and you can  
ftp to etext.archive.umich.edu is you want to peruse my cyberpunk  
humor series, A Future We'd Like to See.  
  
Depending on how well this story does, I might write more  
Ranma fanfic or do a FWLS/Ranma crossrip episode. (Help was  
slightly inspired by Ryouga, after all. Gotta dig umbrella  
warriors.) I will certainly be completing March of the Pigs,  
regardless of response. Don't worry folks; parts 2 and onward  
are on the way.  
  
Since I've just seen the Vizzies and read synopses (and read  
two, count 'em, two manga... anybody wanna donate me a few more?)  
some characters will be a tad OOC. Nothing worse than has been  
seen before in fanfic, though. I tried script format, but I'm  
not used to writing that way, so it'll be paragraph.  
  
Despite the nin-spin, this probably won't be very dark. I  
mostly liked the pun apparent in the word 'pig' which matches Mr.  
Reznor's lovely pork fetish. :) Plus, some songs made  
delightfully surreal openers, which I did in script format anyway  
because I liked the effect...  
  
This series is dedicated to all otakus who can't afford to  
pay thirty bucks for two episodes of Ranma, and to any aspiring  
fanfiction writers who think about stuff like replacing Kilgore  
in Apocalypse Now with Kunou. You are the hope of the future.  
  
-=-  
  
+-------------------------------------------+  
| Mastered for optimal performance |  
|in readability and character recognition...|  
+-------------------------------------------+  
  
+------------------------------------+  
| The audience is reading |  
| |  
| #### ##### ##### ###### ###### |  
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |  
| ###### #### ## ## ## |  
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |  
| ## ## ##### ##### ###### ###### |  
+------------------------------------+  
  
Night fell over Tokyo. The neon turned on downtown, as the  
streetlamps in the more suburban districts lit up. Nerima was as  
placid as usual that evening, which is to say not very placid at  
all. Akane was screaming.  
  
Akane backed up, bumping into the bathroom sink. She gazed  
on in terror as Ryouga sheepishly tried to cover himself up by  
sinking into the hot bath further.  
  
"Ryouga... you're... you're..." she stammered.  
  
"Err... I can explain, Akane--"  
  
"P-CHAN!!!" she screamed, in horrifying conclusion.  
  
"Kinda," Ryouga offered.  
  
The sink impacted against Ryouga's forehead, knocking him  
backwards into the bath with a splash. Akane yelled again.  
  
"But I've even had P-Chan in BED with me... and to think all  
this time it was YOU!" Akane screamed, pulling a large  
transdimensional wooden mallet out from thin air.  
  
"Now... let's not be too hasty," Ryouga pleaded just before  
impact.  
  
Ryouga was knocked through the door, slammed through a solid  
wall and arced across the Tendo back yard, landing in the tiny  
pond with a wet THUNK, dojo-bits raining down in the water with  
him. He crawled out, 1/8th the man he used to be, sputtering and  
wheezing.  
  
"I HATE YOU!" Akane shouted through the Ryouga-shaped hole  
in the wall. "I don't want to see you around here again! I love  
Ranma, not you!!"  
  
P-Chan squealed, his squeals carried off by the winds to the  
uncaring ears of the Tokyo evening.  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
  
(musical insert : Help me I am in Hell (NIN Halo 5  
track 4))  
  
P-Chan tumbled in the water, swirling around his own curse  
and misery, away from Akane's face in the window, towards the  
bottom of it all...  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
The toilet of life flushed him down, his hopes and dreams  
swirling by as grey afterimages, spiraling down...  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
Nothing was left for P-Chan, except for his own piggy  
exterior and mangled wishes...  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
"NOOOOOO!" Ryouga screamed, sitting bolt upright in his  
sleeping back, coated in a thin layer of sweat. He panted,  
looking around the makeshift forest camp site. He climbed out  
and stumbled to the river, splashing water on his face to chase  
away the nightmare... only to look back at his new reflection,  
and realize the nightmare would never end.  
  
A pair of eyes watched him from the trees, around ankle  
height. "Bwee," the eyes muttered to themselves, intrigued. A  
pair of blood-red eyes snapped open next to them, narrowing on  
Ryouga...  
  
PART 1 : ALL THE PIGS LINED UP  
  
Dawn soaked itself over the forest in its own good time.  
  
Ryouga grumbled, pulling his shirt on. It was maddening,  
trying to get his cooking pot boiling while in pig form... at  
least Ranma had opposable thumbs and could cure himself in a few  
minutes. Ryouga, on the other hand, was doomed to spend a lot of  
his life looking for heated liquids. It just wasn't fair.  
  
He had been wandering Japan for weeks now, after finally  
succeeding in asking Akane out on a date. She accepted... mostly  
because she was annoyed at another of Ranma's recent cracks about  
her tomboyish nature. Ranma just didn't get it. Akane was  
certainly no tomboy, she was a goddess to the entire male  
population of Furikan, Ryouga inclusive. To them, though, she  
was just the hottest date of the century... nobody appreciated  
her like Ryouga did.  
  
Only to have them separated by his own directional sense,  
for three weeks now... she'd probably never speak to him again  
for breaking the date. She'd talk to P-CHAN, of course, probably  
tell him what a jerk that Ryouga is, and he'd have to take it.   
It was the only way he could be closer to her.  
  
The curse. The curse was truly a curse of curses... if she  
ever were to find out who her pet piggy was, Ryouga's chances  
would be down the abyss faster than nine point eight meters per  
second per second. The curse of his own guidance as well,  
keeping them apart in time and space. Finally, the curse of  
RANMA, the ultimate reason for his agony and the constant  
stumbling block in his attempts to win the heart of the fair  
Akane...  
  
"RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, which were  
always very receptive to his war cries, "TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL   
CRUSH YOU!"  
  
The wind responded with a high pitched whine, that of an  
incoming object, and a soccer ball bounced off Ryouga's head,  
throwing him off balance. He quickly recovered, and looked  
around to check the source of the offending sports equipment.  
  
"Ryouga?" Ukyou asked, walking in from between the trees, in  
her school gym uniform. "What're you doing here?"  
  
"Ukyou?" Ryouga asked, confused. "What are you doing in  
Okinawa?"  
  
"Okinawa? You're in the woods behind the school, silly.   
Where'd the ball go?"  
  
Ryouga pointed weakly, and Ukyou quickly grabbed the ball.   
"By the way," she said, pausing in her exit, "I couldn't help but  
overhear you there. Could you do me a favor and crush Ran-chan  
tomorrow? I've got this new recipe of okonomiyaki I want to try  
on him, since Akane is supposedly cooking dinner for them  
tonight."  
  
"Revenge has no set times," Ryouga said testily, crossing  
his arms.  
  
"That's great! So you'll crush him tomorrow instead.   
Thanks! Drop by Ucchan's for a free lunch sometime," she said,  
waving and heading back towards the athletic field.  
  
"Er..." Ryouga started, but the chef was already gone.   
Great. He was tricked into promising not to pound Ranma today.  
  
He could wait, though; he had waited so long already, he  
could certainly wait another day.  
  
"I'll just count the minutes until tomorrow, then go find  
Ranma and destroy him," Ryouga concluded, pulling an old  
stopwatch from his backpack.  
  
Time passed.  
  
"One," he counted.  
  
"Bwee," a voice near his ankle offered.  
  
Ryouga looked down. Nudging his foot was a small white  
piglet, freshly groomed with a cute bow tied around its neck.  
  
"Hey there," he said, scratching it behind the ears. "You  
lost? Sorry I can't be of much help. I'm too busy counting.   
One point three."  
  
"Bweee!" it pleaded.  
  
"Not now. One point four."  
  
The piglet helpfully bit Ryouga's leg. Ryouga yelped,  
jumping away from the piglet. It glared at him, desiring  
attention.  
  
Ryouga backed off, palming his stopwatch. The piglet  
advanced, and began chasing him around the campsite, bweeing all  
the way.  
  
"I don't have time for this!" Ryouga complained, and  
squatted down to scoop up the piglet. He carried it, squealing,  
to a nearby tree and in a yellow-and-black blur had it tied to  
the trunk and gagged.  
  
"That's better. Now I need to start over. Zero point--"  
  
The ground shook as a bass-loaded growl of anger floated out  
of the trees. Ryouga turned slowly, and was greeted by a pair of  
red eyes, glowing fire-red in malevolence.  
  
The eyes charged, a brown blur that whipped by Ryouga at  
near sonic speeds. The blur skidded to a halt, turning around to  
make another pass.  
  
"A boar?" Ryouga asked, intrigued. The mohawked boar  
growled at him, tusks gleaming, as it charged. Ryouga was  
trampled, leaving a perfectly straight line of hoofprints up his  
frontside.  
  
The boar slid to a halt, quite pleased with itself. It  
began banging on the tree Ryouga had tied the piglet to, trying  
to knock it over.  
  
"Alright..." Ryouga growled, getting back to his feet and  
bearing his poor dental work at the boar. "If it's a fight you  
want..."  
  
Ryouga slowly and deliberately pulled out his depleted  
uranium umbrella, holding it ahead of him like the most majestic  
of swords. The umbrella clearly WANTED to glint light and make a  
pingggg noise, if it could. This wasn't an umbrella for keeping  
the rain and shine away, it was an umbrella for bashing heads in  
a graceful yet devastating manner.  
  
The boar snorted, and reared back for another charge, legs  
spinning into a blur as it bolted forward. Ryouga was ready for  
it, and deflected the charging animal with a simple flick of the  
wrist, sending it sprawling into his cooking pot. Hot water  
splashed over the area, putting the fire out.  
  
"Hmph. Weak attack, pig," Ryouga gloated before two meaty  
hands wrapped around his neck and lifted him two feet off the  
ground.  
  
"Pig?" a mohawked man laughed, keeping Ryouga aloft with his  
grip. "You're one to talk, pal."  
  
Ryouga regained his wits and pried the man's fingers apart.   
The man stood there, naked and unalarmed.  
  
"You wanna fight, I don't. Just talk. You go get water and  
start boiling it for us," he motioned, pointing to the river. "I  
gotta go get our pack."  
  
Ryouga, enraged already, was in no mood to play fetch for  
this man. The man shrugged, picked him up and tossed him in the  
river.  
  
P-Chan scrambled up the banks as the man finished changing  
into his clothes, donning a cowboy hat and a t-shirt reading  
HOW'S YOUR PORK?. The man blinked at the sopping wet piglet.  
  
"Crap. Sorry, forgot. I'll get the water myself," he said,  
taking Ryouga's cooking pot and filling it at the river, avoiding  
P-Chan's claws and teeth. He plunked it on the fire and calmly  
waited for it to boil.  
  
P-Chan walked up beside the man, dejected, and sat down.   
Not much else he could do, until the water was done.  
  
The man tested the water with his pinky finger. "Hot  
enough," he grunted, and poured a little on Ryouga, turning  
around to allow Ryouga to get dressed. "It's a good pot. Boils  
quick. Beats my canteen by far."  
  
"Who are you, anyway?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his umbrella  
off the ground.  
  
"Just wandering," the man said, starting to go through  
Ryouga's campsite. "You got any smokes? Food? Something other  
than hot water?"  
  
"Hey! That's my stuff!" Ryouga protested. The man held him  
at arms length.  
  
"Lesse... instant ramen... some postcards... beef jerky!   
Jackpot!" he said, pulling out a ziplock baggie. "Here, take the  
water. I'd advise ducking after you do it."  
  
"Do what?" Ryouga asked, grasping the warm pot.  
  
"Change her back," the man said, pointing to the piglet tied  
to the tree. "I don't think she'll be in a rather good mood--"  
  
Ryouga had already started dousing the pet-show piglet with  
water. The piglet grew in less than a second, breaking the weak  
knots in the bandannas. She reached out and throttled Ryouga.  
  
"I came here to have a simple conversation and you TIE ME TO  
A TREE?!" she exclaimed, ratting the boy around.  
  
"Sheesh, Charlotte, go put your dress on," the man said,  
reaching into his pack and tossing a blue garment at the girl.   
"You'll either strangle the boy or embarrass him to death."  
  
"Hmm? Oh," she said, looking down at herself. "One  
second."  
  
She pounced for the trees, grabbing the gown on her way  
there, leaping like a jaguar and vanishing into the underbrush.   
She emerged a second later, clad in a simple long dress that  
matched the color of the blue bow in her hair.  
  
"Sorry about that," she said. "Jusenkyo side effect. You'd  
think whoever designed those pools would at least include your  
outfit in the transformation... that's how it's done in cartoons,  
at least... not proper magic by any standard..."  
  
"J... jusenkyo?" Ryouga stammered. "You two are cursed?"  
  
"Just as much as you," Charlotte said, grinning.  
  
"Hey, *I*'m not cursed," Ryouga protested.  
  
"Hardly. We saw your little problem this morning,"  
Charlotte smiled.  
  
Ryouga slumped down, head in his hands. "Okay, I'm cursed.   
I admit it. It's the horror of my existence. The one thing that  
keeps me away from my only love in life..."  
  
"Beef jerky?" the man suggested.  
  
"Don't be crass, Buford," Charlotte scolded. "He means the  
girl he mentioned earlier. Akane, right?"  
  
"You have no idea," Ryouga said. "It's awful. She thinks  
I'm her pet pig. It's the only time I get to spend with her,  
because of that stupid fiancee of hers knowing about me. I'm  
supposed to be out on a date with her... three weeks ago. I've  
been lost since."  
  
"Ooch," the girl admitted.  
  
"It's so depressing... I just... want to... ARGH! ROARING  
LION BULLET!!!" Ryouga screamed, casting a ki-blast off in a  
random direction. The yellow sphere of power carved its way  
through the trees before fading away a hundred feet into the  
woods.  
  
Buford sat there, bits of beef jerky not yet in his mouth  
and hat singed. "Yaaah," he managed.  
  
"Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "Lately, that's been the only  
way I can let off steam. It's hopeless."  
  
"Hmmmm," Charlotte hummed, leaning on a palm. "I have an  
idea..."  
  
"Whoa. Hold, time out. Charlotte, may I speak to you a  
minute?" Buford said, leading the young girl aside.  
  
"Something wrong?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and  
pouting.  
  
"Don't give me that kawaii deal, you know it doesn't work on  
me. We don't got TIME to play Story Meddler here. I know you  
just love to make stops every now and then and play matchmaker,  
but we're on a tight schedule here. Being chased? Hunted?   
Pursued? Any of this ringing a bell?"  
  
"Come on, Buford. Victor's a day or two behind us at  
least."  
  
"Probably laying a trap as we speak," Buford warned. "You  
know how he is. We can't afford to have you play roaming fair  
godmother this time."  
  
"Alright, alright. We came to this guy looking for a quick  
food stop, right?" Charlotte said. "You heard what that girl  
said, he has a free meal coming. Let's cash in on that and run."  
  
"You're not going to goof off and play storyteller?"  
  
"I solemnly swear that I will not fail to attempt to ignore  
any nonexistent obligations to help out this boy," she swore.  
  
"Umm... okay," Buford said. "A promise is a promise. Hey,  
boy!"  
  
"It's Ryouga Hibiki," Ryouga corrected.  
  
"Yeah. We're starving, Hibiki. You got a coupon for this  
Ucchan's place?"  
  
"I guess so... I can't do anything today anyway, now that I  
promised," Ryouga said, a hint of bitterness in his tone. "I can  
show you the way..."  
  
*  
  
"It's just around this corner, really," Ryouga insisted.  
  
Buford's stomach growled in protest. He grabbed it, trying  
to quell the noise. "That's what you said six corners around,  
Ryouga. I know Tokyo's pretty cryptic, but this is nuts."  
  
"Nothing wrong with a stroll in the open air," Charlotte  
insisted. "So tell me, Ryouga, this Ranma fellow... he has  
*three* fiancees?"  
  
"Four, if you count self-appointed ones," Ryouga noted.   
"The hentai fool seems to be a woman magnet. The only one that  
doesn't really like him is Akane, but she's stuck in it thanks to  
Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome."  
  
"How'd you manage to ask an engaged person out on a date?"  
  
"It's fairly loose. Neither Akane or Ranma like it. Why  
they don't just break it off I don't know... and why Ranma keeps  
interfering when I try to talk to Akane, I don't know. It's like  
he wants to keep her in complete misery, alone and friendless,  
just as he's managed to do to me!"  
  
"Food," Buford insisted.  
  
"Ucchan's is right around the corner," Ryouga said, turning  
the corner and facing a dead end. The trio paused.  
  
"Where'd it go?" Ryouga wondered, looking around.  
  
"Forget this," Buford said, pulling a map out of his  
backpack. "I wanna eat. Alright. What's the address again?"  
  
*  
Ucchan's wasn't terribly packed, leaving them quite a  
selection of tables. Charlotte immediately homed in on one in  
the corner, overlooking the restaurant but hidden by a large  
plant. The two men shrugged and followed.  
  
"What do they serve here?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"I wanna burger," Buford whined. "Some good american food."  
  
"Okonomiyaki. I'm guessing you don't get that in america,"  
Ryouga said. "It's quite good. One of the few treats I have  
left in life. Ukyou!"  
  
A spatula poked up from behind the counter, followed by  
Ukyou. She blinked. "Ryouga! Here to claim that free meal, I  
see. Umm. Ryouga, I meant food for one person..."  
  
"It's okay, these are... friends from out of town," Ryouga  
grinned, putting his best lying face on (which wasn't very  
convincing).  
  
"Alright. I suppose it won't hurt too much. Three  
okonomiyakis coming up!" she beamed, and ducked back behind the  
counter.  
  
"She's one of the fiancees, right?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"Yeah. Her and someone at a chinese restaurant down the  
street. It's simply absurd, the number of people chasing him..."  
  
"Hope this is fast food," Buford said, looking around the  
restaurant anxiously. "We're in a bit of a hurry."  
  
"Tosh, Buford. We can have some idle conversation."  
  
"Idle conversation? You've been giving him the third  
degree!"  
  
"Third what?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Alright, I'll make it fair. Ryouga, you can ask me  
anything you want about me and my partner here," Charlotte  
offered, resting her chin on her palms. "Fire away."  
  
"Ummm..." Ryouga started, not sure what to ask. "Well...  
you're cursed too, right?"  
  
"Correct. I fell in the... well, my chinese is really  
awful. It was a spring where an escaped high class piglet  
drowned three weeks ago."  
  
"Three weeks?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Not all of the pools are ancient, you know," she said. "I  
was on vacation with my family... we're from France, own a very  
nice vineyard and attend a lot of posh parties. Frightfully  
dull. Anyway, my stupid little brother somehow talked me into  
jumping in."  
  
"It must be awful."  
  
"Not really. It's quite fun. You can sneak around and spy  
on people and generally learn a lot as a pig," she grinned.   
"Your curse isn't THAT bad, Ryouga, just the situation it got you  
into. Problems have solutions, though. For instance, your--"  
  
"And me, I was on exchange from Austin University and fell  
into a boar drowning pool," Buford interrupted. "Question and  
answer session is over. Where's that food?"  
  
Three plates flopped down on the table, spinning to a halt  
after coasting through the air towards the table and impacting in  
such a way as not to disturb the food on them.  
  
"Three okonomiyaki," Ukyou replied, bowing. "If there's  
anything else you need, just call."  
  
Buford salivated, and quickly started wolfing his down.   
Charlotte shrugged, and began to eat hers bit by bit.  
  
"You must be pretty hungry," Ryouga commented.  
  
"Mmmph. Haven't had a good meal in awhile," Buford said  
between bites.  
  
"We've been travelling, just as you have been," Charlotte  
added. "We're being hunted."  
  
Buford choked on his food, but Charlotte pretended not to  
notice. "I ran away from home, you see. They want me back  
before anybody finds out that--"  
  
Several tables near the door overturned, as chaos entered  
via the front door. Buford resumed choking, as all heads (all  
four of them) in Ucchan's turned to see what the racket was.  
  
"Get back here, ya little squirt!" Ranma yelled, chasing...  
something through the restaurant. Akane darted in after him,  
looking worried.  
  
"What's wrong, Akane?" Ryouga asked, quickly getting out of  
his chair to be by her side.  
  
"Well... he's been gone for weeks... and when we finally  
found him, he ran off again. We're lucky we cornered him here,"  
Akane said.  
  
"Umm... who?"  
  
"P-Chan," Akane said. "Did you get him, Ranma?"  
  
"Right here," Ranma said, grip wavering as the tiny black  
piglet in his hands tried to wiggle away. He turned to face  
Akane. "I... RYOUGA??!"  
  
"What? What?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"But... P-Chan... you..." Ranma stammered, confused.  
  
Ryouga's gaze fell on the tiny piglet. It WAS P-Chan...  
right down to the wide eyes and the pink snout and the look of  
terror on its face.  
  
"P-Chan!" Akane cheered, running forward to hug her piggy.  
  
"P-Chan?" Ranma repeated.  
  
"P-Chan," Ryouga nodded, grinning.  
  
"Victor," Charlotte grumbled.  
  
END - Part 1  
(Closing Theme : Don't Mind Lay-Lay Boy (Opal))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
  
 


	2. Get What Pigs Deserve

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 2  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
On with part 2. To recap : Ryouga gets down again, and two  
pigs show up, who turn out to be a Jusekyoed pair named Buford  
and Charlotte. Ryouga describes his life's problems as they head  
to Ucchan's, where they bump into a rather unusual situation...  
  
-=-  
  
Nobody said anything. Two present were confused beyond  
speech capability... Ryouga and Ranma, notably, seeing two  
Ryougas in the same room. One in human form, and the other as P-  
Chan. Akane didn't seem to care, snuggling her piggy (which was  
trying to escape). Ukyou was too busy cooking to notice.  
  
Buford was steaming, however. He snaked out a arm and  
grabbed P-Chan away from Akane, and shook the piglet around a  
little.  
  
"Still trying to sneak up on us, huh Victor?" he scolded.   
"I oughtta make chop suey outta you--"  
  
Buford collapsed to the floor, Akane's mallet pounding his  
skull into his ribcage. The piglet soared through the air, and  
was caught by Ryouga.  
  
"Quit picking on P-Chan!" Akane demanded of the groaning  
gaijin, who was on the ground holding his head in pain. "Thanks,  
Ryouga."  
  
"Err... no problem," Ryouga said, handing the black piglet  
back.  
  
"Well, come on Ranma, let's get home," Akane said. "Don't  
just stand there."  
  
"But... P-Chan... and Ryouga? Two places? Same time?"  
Ranma puzzled, gaze swapping back and forth from the two.  
  
"Let's go already," Akane grumped, grabbing Ranma's hand and  
storming out of the restaurant, while Ranma grappled with his  
logic skills.  
  
"She's right, he does look kinda like you," Charlotte said.   
"Poor guy."  
  
"What... who... WAS that?" Ryouga asked, pointing to the  
door.  
  
"Victor," Charlotte sighed. "My brother."  
  
*  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
(musical insert : Pinion (NIN Halo 5 track 1))  
  
Two blobs race around the docks of Tokyo bay in the  
moonlight. Briefly lit by streetlamps they pass under, they can  
be identified as one white piglet with a blue bow, and a larger  
brown boar with a mohawk.  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
The two dash along the piers, looking for a good place to  
hide. Turning a corner, however, they bump into a pair of men  
with nets, and a small boy in black who points a finger and cries  
out...  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
The men pounce, tangling up the two pigs in nets. The boy  
acts relieved, as the men pack up the two in a van.  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
A wave washes over the dock, and the two men look back; to  
find another piglet. They shrug, and toss it in with the other  
two, despite squealing protests.  
  
PART 2 : GET WHAT PIGS DESERVE  
  
*  
  
"I figured the little runt couldn't track us if we stowed  
away on a commercial cargo liner," Buford explained, as the trio  
finished their meals. "Don't know how he found out. When we got  
off, there were two guys from animal control and Victor, saying  
there they are, my lost pigs."  
  
"The uncouths tossed a net on me and threw me in a van,"  
Charlotte complained. "Luckily, a wave washed up and there  
was... heh, V-Chan. The guys, being a bit slow witted, tossed  
him in there too. He had no choice but to help all of us  
escape."  
  
"But... he fell into the same pool I did?" Ryouga asked.   
"The heituenniichuan?"  
  
"If that's the word, yes. Drowning black piglet spring.   
Looks kind of like you in pig form, but without the cute  
bandanna," Charlotte said.  
  
"Well, he ain't gonna be a problem no more," Buford grinned.   
"In fact, looks like this solves your problem. Akane's got her  
little V-Chan now, and you don't need to pose anymore, PLUS  
Victor's out of our hair for good. I'd call that a happy ending.   
Now, Charlotte, we ought to get moving--"  
  
"We're not leaving him there," Charlotte stated.  
  
"Oh yes we are. Far as I'm concerned, that's a fitting end  
to your brother's little manhunt."  
  
"He's my BROTHER, Buford!" Charlotte exclaimed, angry.   
"Sure, he's a pain in the ass. Sure, he's manipulative and  
plotting. He is, however, a member of my family and I can't  
leave him behind like that."  
  
"With him outta the way, we wouldn't have to run and hide  
all the time," Buford argued, getting to his feet. "Maybe we  
could settle down and start lookin' for a cure, you think?"  
  
"Half the fun of this trip is escaping Victor's little  
plots," Charlotte rebutted. "Life would be boring again if we  
lost that."  
  
"BORING!? Maybe you'd like me to quit now and let you  
handle lugging your gear around, huh? Remember how I found you  
in Austin? Penniless, clothingless and homeless?"  
  
"I was not penniless. I still have the family charge card,"  
Charlotte said, slipping it out from under her hair ribbon. It  
was solid gold, or at least looked like it. "Don't leave France  
without it."  
  
"Which isn't exactly valid if you can't get any hot water,"  
Buford said. "I want outta this curse, and the only way is to  
shake Victor and get some serious detective work goin'."  
  
"We've been managing fine even with him around!"  
  
"Umm, may I get a word in here?" Ryouga asked?  
  
"NO!" they shouted in unison.  
  
*  
  
Ranma was beginning to suspect something.  
  
P-Chan hadn't tried to attack him once. In fact, it almost  
seemed like his anger was directed in the opposite direction...  
three times today he had managed to wriggle away from Akane and  
try to escape, each time with a grumpy Ranma having to track him  
down so Akane wouldn't be upset.  
  
P-Chan even refused to be dressed up funny. No baby bib,  
for example, when it came time to eat (and he attempted to escape  
again). There was something else strange, something he couldn't  
quite put a finger on...  
  
"What happened to P-Chan's cute little bandanna?" Akane  
wondered, scratching his neck while he wiggled around.  
  
"That's it!" Ranma gasped, snapping his fingers.  
  
"What's it?"  
  
"Nothing," Ranma said, keeping it to himself. Ryouga never,  
EVER loses his bandanna. It was a part of him, kind of like his  
bad dental work and daydreaming. Why would he ditch it now?  
  
"I think I'll head around to the corner market and try to  
pick him up a new one," Akane said, getting up from the couch  
where she and Ranma were watching TV. "Here, you take care of  
him while I'm out. He's been so jumpy today."  
  
"What? Me?" Ranma asked, as the protesting pig was thrust  
into his hands.  
  
"Yeah, you. You remember how Nabiki tried to sell him to  
that gourmet meat market last time I left him with someone else,"  
Akane said. "I don't want him getting lost, anyway. You had  
better take care of him this time, Ranma, I don't want a repeat  
of what happened three weeks ago!"  
  
Lost. Hmmm, Ranma thought.  
  
"I'll be right back," Akane said, heading out the door.   
"Keep him out of trouble," she added, before shutting the door  
behind her.  
  
Ranma tucked P-Chan under an arm, and headed for the stairs.  
  
*  
  
The Tendo basement was rarely used; at the time, it only  
housed a few barrels of ceremonial wine, some broken dojo  
equipment and a growing civilization of cockroaches which were  
very near developing a kind of writing. Ranma stepped in the  
intricate dust patterns on his way down the stairs, setting them  
back five years.  
  
Ranma ignored the enraged chittering from behind him, and  
picked a likely spot in the basement to set the pig down.  
  
"Alright, here goes," he said, and released the piglet.  
  
The pig zipped straight and true like an arrow for the  
stairs, bounding up them two at a time and crashing through the  
door. Not THROUGH the door, but pushing it open first. Not  
normal for Ryouga-on-a-rampage.  
  
Ranma trailed it, following the frantic hoof marks in the  
floor. A nice, straight line, up the stairs and to the bedroom  
area. It was working.  
  
He walked up the stairs, taking his own good time. The path  
was leading him right where he figured it would go; the bathroom.  
  
He ignored the KNOCK FIRST sign and walked in, pulling the  
shower panel aside.  
  
"Alright, who are you and what have you done with P-Chan?"  
he demanded of the strange boy in the tub.  
  
*  
  
"See, my parents are a bit snobby," Charlotte explained,  
holding her marshmallow over Ryouga's cooking fire. Buford was  
already snoring away, his hat lifting up slightly with each  
exhale, but Charlotte managed to talk over the noise without  
waking him.  
  
"I heard that about french people," Ryouga commented.  
  
"Not all french people, silly. My family's just REALLY old  
fashioned. They're hanging onto this old, dried up vineyard as  
if it was worth something, leeching off stored up family  
fortune," she clarified. "It's incredibly dull. I mean, the  
wardrobe and the cash flow are nice, but life is awful.   
Especially with this curse; mom and dad don't want anybody to  
know someone from 'such an important family' is cursed, so they  
kept me locked in my room until they could find a cure."  
  
"What about Victor?" Ryouga asked. "I mean, did they lock  
him up too?"  
  
"Certainly. It didn't stop us, though. Pigs can sneak  
around quite well," she smiled. "I had fun sneaking out and...  
well, arranging things."  
  
"Arranging?"  
  
"Little things. Encouraging romances I had seen budding in  
the kitchen staff. Causing simple, silly misunderstandings that  
people would remember in years to come and look back on in  
nostalgia. Having fun and snooping. Victor was a brat then too,  
though, doing his best to screw up my plans and get the house  
staff to backstab each other at every turn just so he could have  
fun watching it happen."  
  
"Isn't that what you were doing?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Of course not! I wanted to help them out. He wanted to  
screw them up. It got annoying and I ran away from home with  
daddy's MasterCard. I figured a life of travel would be fun, but  
then they decided to let Victor hunt me down and bring me back,  
so nobody would know that the daughter of 'such an important  
family' had run away."  
  
She turned her marshmallow a little. Ryouga turned his,  
noticing that it had started blackening already. He sighed.  
  
"I've been thinking," Charlotte said. "Since it looks like  
Victor's a little... occupied, how about if I help you out?   
We'll go spring him before I leave, but this does give me time to  
have a little fun."  
  
"Help me?" Ryouga asked, not sure how to take that.  
  
"Of course! With you and Akane. It's what I do best.   
Buford here will complain, of course, but as long as Victor's at  
bay he has no excuse. We're both the same, after all, you and  
I."  
  
"We're both... well... pigs," Ryouga admitted.  
  
"True. Pigs help pigs out. So, what do you say? Your  
muscle, some of my brain power, and we'll have you in the arms of  
the one you love in no time!"  
  
"It probably won't work," Ryouga grumbled. "I've tried  
everything. Siding with some of the local magic gurus, trying to  
beat Saotome senseless, even just flat out asking Akane out...  
somehow, nothing works."  
  
"You haven't tried me yet," she said, winking. "Trust me.   
Give me a week and you won't have to go on prozac, you'll have a  
surplus of natural joy."  
  
Charlotte pulled her marshmallow out of the fire, only to  
discover it had melted over Ryouga's, congealing both into a  
blackened lump.  
  
"Hmm," she mused. "Oh well, I hate marshmallows anyway.   
Anyway, I need details about everybody you know. Never know when  
another pawn could be helpful in the game."  
  
"It's a pretty complicated list."  
  
"Try me."  
  
*  
  
"You've got no fashion sense, Saotome," Victor said,  
browsing Ranma's closet. "I mean, honestly, beige button ups  
with bow ties? Chinese fashions? And those godawful little  
black shoes."  
  
"You still haven't answered my question," Ranma said,  
tapping his foot.  
  
"Yes I did. I have no idea who this P-Chan fellow is,"  
Victor said. "Finally, something suited for me. Mind if I  
borrow this? I'd hate to see the reaction of the Tendos if I was  
walking around naked. I think you would as well."  
  
"Where're your own clothes?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Lost them at the docks. My nice shirt with the mesh  
sleeves, my dyed jeans, everything. Awful. I'll have to see if  
your local stores have my taste. Until then, I suppose this  
black outfit of yours will do. Lucky we're the same size."  
  
Ranma nodded. The boy was around his height, even with the  
same hair color. His hair wasn't combed, just a matted mess that  
hung down to his shoulders. His eyes were blank and wild like  
Gosunkugi, but with a more malevolent edge to them. He clearly  
wasn't afraid of Ranma the way Gosunkugi was either, but he  
didn't look like he'd be able put up much of a fight if it came  
to that.  
  
"If you were trying to masquerade as P-Chan, you were doing  
a lousy job," Ranma noted, crossing his arms. "Not only did you  
try to flee from Akane, but you made a beeline for the bathroom.   
The REAL P-Chan would wander around the house for hours before  
finding it."  
  
"I was never a good actor," he said, pulling Ranma's black  
t-shirt over his head. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm off. I've  
got a few people to look up."  
  
"Hold it," Ranma said, laying a hand on Victor's shoulder.   
"I don't think so. Akane ordered me to keep you here, and that's  
what I'm doing until I can find the REAL P-Chan. She pounded me  
three times a few weeks ago for losing P-Chan, and even  
considered going out with Ryouga to get back at me. That ain't  
gonna happen again."  
  
"I don't think that'll work, Saotome," Victor said.  
  
"You want to get out of this house, you gotta go through  
me," Ranma said, dropping into a fighting stance.  
  
"You look silly," Victor smirked. "I have no intention of  
going through you. I was thinking AROUND. I've got a few  
missing persons to make un-missing, and I don't need some piglet-  
crushing female maniac or her overly violent fiancee keeping me  
away from that."  
  
Ranma stood there, waiting for Victor to try to go around  
him. Victor just stood there, taking in the many varied sights  
of Ranma's room.  
  
"Your room sucks," he concluded.  
  
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Hmm? No, foolish boy, I'm not going to try to escape NOW.   
That would be idiotic. No, I figure I'll just wait until  
nobody's expecting it. A watched pot never boils, you know. In  
fact--"  
  
Victor paused, an evil smile creeping over his face. "Say,  
I have a novel idea. Would you like to hear what it is?"  
  
"Try me," Ranma dared.  
  
"Okay. Akane's obviously had this P-Chan mammal for quite  
some time. How would she feel if I were to 'uncover' P-Chan as  
some hentai loon who had a Jusenkyo curse, and tell her that YOU  
KNEW all along and didn't tell her?"  
  
Ranma's jaw dropped.  
  
"I imagine she'd be less than pleased. You in fact TOLD me  
she beat the snot out of you less than a few weeks ago the last  
time you displeased her, and this would be quite a displeasure.   
I figure I could get around you THEN, while your vertebrae are  
snapping just like when she crushes me. It would be amusing to  
watch, though, so maybe I'd hang around while she proceeds to  
tear you limb from limb--"  
  
"Enough!" Ranma blurted. "Alright, I'll let you go. I'll  
have to hide from that kawaiikune tomboy for a few days, but I  
suppose it'll blow over--"  
  
"Go? I have no intentions of going! Saotome old bean,  
you're going to be of INVALUABLE assistance to me," Victor  
laughed. "No, I think I'll stay put for awhile. It'll mean more  
love attacks from that insane woman, but it'll be worthwhile.   
And you'll keep your mouth shut and help me with whatever I need  
help with, unless you'd like your mouth opened for you and jaw  
dislocated by Akane."  
  
Ranma considered pounding this boy and tossing him out the  
window. It would be the easy solution, but would mean losing 'P-  
Chan'. Either way, he was to wit, screwed. Maybe he could play  
along, find Ryouga, put him back in pet-place and pound this guy  
to make the exchange... but that would take time.  
  
"Alright," he said. "But the MINUTE I'm done whatever this  
is you need help with, you're OUT of here, bucko."  
  
"Sounds fine with me. Once completed, I'll be winging my  
way back home to celebrations and parties. Maybe I'll drop you  
an invitation," he grinned evilly, narrowing his eyes at his new  
token. "Here's what I need done."  
  
*  
  
Akane walked up stairs, her newly purchased bandanna in one  
hand, and the other hand pigless but longing to hug her pig  
again. She had looked around the house, but didn't find them;  
Ranma probably just took P-Chan upstairs for a bath, and then  
back to his room.  
  
"Nabiki?" Akane asked, as Nabiki quickly hid the plastic cup  
she was holding behind her back. "Is Ranma here?"  
  
"Right in there," Nabiki gestured to the door she was  
standing next to. "I'd suggest knocking first."  
  
Akane nodded, and knocked. There was a quick splashing  
noise, and Ranma called, "Come in!"  
  
Nabiki walked off to her room, put the plastic cup back on  
her shelf. Things were certainly going to be interesting, she  
thought to herself... especially if this new fellow was rich.  
  
END - Part 2  
(Closing theme : Equal Romance (Extended Gristle Remix))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	3. Plans to be Made

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 3  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
On with the show. In our last episode, Victor (who fell in  
the same pool Ryouga did) is mistaken for P-Chan and dragged to  
the Tendo household.  
  
Victor blackmailed Ranma into helping Victor out by  
threatening to show Akane that P-Chan is just a Jusenkyo-cursed  
hentai, and that Ranma knew for years without telling her. Ranma  
reluctantly agrees, but silently vows to swap Victor for the real  
P-Chan as soon as he can. Nabiki overhears the exchange and  
smiles evilly.  
  
Charlotte decides that with Victor out of the way, she'll  
have time to help Ryouga win the heart of Akane.  
  
(Note : I'm running out of NIN puns, so I suspect my titles  
won't be as cool from here on. :)  
  
-=-  
  
The evening turned into daytime, sun rising over Furinkan  
high school and the small clearing in the woods behind it. The  
three people sleeping there were nearly mauled and eaten by the  
local wildlife, but fortunately there was a far more frightening  
noise in the woods that night; Buford's snoring.  
  
Ryouga woke to that snoring, wondering if someone was  
cutting firewood with a rusty chainsaw. He rubbed his eyes,  
scanning the campsite for the source of the noise.  
  
Buford was in the same position he had been in near  
midnight, flopped on his back. The cowboy hat had fallen off his  
face, removing the only muffler the noise previously had. Ryouga  
quietly slipped over and put the hat back, cutting down the  
decibel level.  
  
"Don't know why I didn't think of that," Charlotte said,  
from the cooking fire. "Morning, Ryouga."  
  
"Morning," he returned, packing up his sleeping bag. "How  
long have you been up?"  
  
"Just an hour or three. I couldn't find any food other than  
some instant ramen in your pack, so breakfast is going to be  
light," she said, shifting the cooking pot around to get the  
water to boil faster. "I've got a few plans."  
  
"Plans?"  
  
"For you, silly. Getting you together with Akane," she  
reminded him. "You're more experienced, so tell me if these  
aren't going to work. Okay. We kidnap Ranma and stash him  
somewhere so he won't interfere."  
  
"Kidnap Ranma?" Ryouga mused. "I don't think it'll work.   
The little weasel is very good at escaping. Plus, it's not just  
him; if word gets out, then Kunou and Gosunkugi and probably the  
entire subset of the Y chromosome at Furinkan would get in the  
way."  
  
"Okay, then we get you two together somewhere secret," she  
suggested. "Not the usual restaurants or streets, but somewhere  
nobody'd look."  
  
"The Kunou family has ears everywhere," Ryouga said. "Or at  
least two ears. Sasuke, his ninja, is very observant and will  
often keep tabs on Akane and the pig-tailed girl."  
  
"Pig-tailed girl?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"Never mind. Do you have a third plan?"  
  
"Yes, but it's a bit more complex," she said. "We pull a  
Victor on everybody you know except Akane."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"Basically, we get your friends so busy attacking or spying  
on each other that they completely ignore you and Akane," she  
said. "That way, no problems. Of course, this requires getting  
you two together in the first place. She doesn't know, does  
she?"  
  
"Well... not really," Ryouga said, sitting down next to  
Charlotte. "I've never gotten many chances at telling her, and  
the few that I had... I guess I chickened out."  
  
"Bad luck all around, I suppose," she said. "Don't worry,  
Ryouga, that luck's going to change. I'll get you two together  
if it's the last thing I do!"  
  
"What?" Buford asked, confused. He lifted his hat up.  
  
"Oh, Buford. Morning. We thought you were asleep,"  
Charlotte said.  
  
"Hold it, take two, I thought we agreed NOT to go playing  
around with people's lives this time," Buford said, pulling  
himself up to sitting position. "I want to go find a cure, thank  
you, not play fairy godmother."  
  
"Victor's trapped, Buford," Charlotte argued. "While the  
brat's away, we can play. Come on, don't be such a stick in the  
mud. We can go find that silly cure anytime."  
  
"Ryouga... no offense... but I don't give a damn about you.   
You can rot away in your own self pity for all I care. I've got  
more important things to worry about. Come on, Charlotte, let's  
get out of here," Buford demanded, grabbing the girl by her wrist  
and walking off.  
  
There was a high-pitched whine as a bandanna sliced through  
the air, whizzing by Buford's ear and embedding itself in a  
nearby tree. Part of Buford's hat brim fell off, severed with a  
cut finer than a ginsu knife.  
  
"Unhand her," Ryouga demanded, umbrella ready. "NOW."  
  
"Oh alright," Buford complained, letting Charlotte's wrist  
fall. "Sit around and pay your playground games if you want to.   
I get to say 'I told you so' when Victor's got all our hides on  
the next flight back to France and Ryouga 'n I are in jail for  
aiding you in your runaway, Charlotte."  
  
"It won't come to that," Charlotte decreed.  
  
"Let's hope so," Buford said. "I--"  
  
Buford's ears perked, as he cut himself off in mid sentence.   
He turned around and charged into the woods, sniffing the air.  
  
"Trouble?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"Thought I heard someone," he said. "Someone hidin' out  
here. Wasn't Victor."  
  
"Buford, we're behind a school. Of COURSE you're going to  
be hearing people," Charlotte laughed. "Now if you two will  
excuse me, I've got some plotting to do."  
  
Buford checked the area a bit further. Fortunately for  
Sasuke, he didn't look up. Sasuke breathed a silent sigh of  
relief and swing by the treetops towards the school.  
  
*  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
(musical insert : March of the F**kheads (NIN Halo 9 track 7))  
  
Sasuke swang from branch to branch in traditional ninja  
style. Master Kunou would not be pleased at this news...  
displeased to the point where Sasuke did NOT look forward to  
reporting it.  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
Buford plowed through the forest, following the strange  
noise. He was CERTAIN he had heard someone nearby, not near the  
school... he could hear the leaves rustling and wood creaking.   
Someone was sneaking around. Buford was NOT amused.  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
Sasuke glanced down at his pursuer, nervous. The man was  
pushing tree after tree aside as if they were twigs... perhaps if  
he held still and made no noise, the man would go away.  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
Buford paused, as the sounds stopped. He sniffed, trying to  
pick up the trail, to no avail. He shrugged, adjusted his hat,  
and headed back to camp. Sasuke's heartbeat slowed down to  
normal rate, and he dropped to the ground, dashing for homeroom  
2-E. He darted onto the athletic field... and was promptly  
trampled by the Furinkan Cross-Country Team.  
  
Looks like his report was going to be delayed a little, he  
thought before collapsing.  
  
PART 3 : PLANS TO BE MADE  
  
*  
  
"You lead a life that borders on the surreal, Saotome,"  
Victor commented,adjusting his reclaimed (and prized) mesh t-  
shirt. "I thought I had a strange home life. Yours takes the  
cake, platter, silverware and tablecloth."  
  
"Just remember the deal," Ranma warned. "You get these  
people you're after and you get out of here."  
  
"I'm a man of my word," Victor said, giving a boy scout  
salute in front of his chest (and crossing his fingers behind his  
back). "You stick to your side of the bargain as well.   
  
"This is the place," Ranma said. "Same restaurant we chased  
you to yesterday."  
  
"Good. And you say you're on good terms with the owner?"  
Victor asked.  
  
Ranma thought about it. "You could say that," she smirked.  
  
The two entered Ucchan's, looking around for Ukyou. The  
restaurant wasn't particularly crowded, being between the  
breakfast and lunch rushes.  
  
"Uc-chan!" Ranma called out. "You here?"  
  
"Ran-chan!" Ukyou cheered from the table she was washing  
behind them. "Hello! Hungry?"  
  
"Well, not--"  
  
Ukyou quickly dished out two okonomiyaki and pulled chairs  
behind Victor and Ranma, sliding a table in place. She lit a  
candle on the table and pulled up a chair for herself.  
  
"--really," Ranma finished.  
  
"Don't worry, okonomiyaki makes a great between meal snack  
too," she said. "Nutritious and delicious."  
  
Victor poked his. "What is this stuff? Roach parts?"  
  
"Anyway, Uc-chan," Ranma interjected, before the  
conversation turned violent, "I was wondering, do you have any  
idea where those two people who were with Ryouga went yesterday?"  
  
"Not sure," Ukyou said, thinking back. "I think the one had  
a french name, because she used her credit card to give me a tip  
that was worth three times the meal. Charlotte somebody or  
other."  
  
"Aha!" Victor smirked. "Confirmation."  
  
"See, my friend, umm... Victor here has been looking for  
them," Ranma said.  
  
"Oh really? Why?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"He's supposed to--"  
  
"I own a restaurant up near Okinawa," Victor interrupted.   
"Those two hooligans charged an incredible amount of food to the  
same credit card you mentioned. I couldn't believe how much...  
they ate like pigs. Scared my other customers. Anyway, the  
credit card was reported as stolen, but wasn't canceled for some  
reason, and now I had a sizeable bill that was unpaid. So, I  
decided to go find them. Ranma here agreed to help, since he  
truly does appreciate the troubles chefs like us go through."  
  
"That he does," Ukyou beamed. "You do appreciate good  
cooking, Ran-chan, even if you do have to suffer through Akane's  
dinners occasionally."  
  
"Nothing worse than an insult to the palette," Victor joked.   
"So, do you have any idea where they might have gone? Perhaps to  
this Ryouga person's house?"  
  
"I don't think Ryouga's been home in years," Ranma said,  
looking crestfallen. "He gets lost a lot. He could be anywhere  
from Tombiki to Lake Tahoe by now. I don't think we'll be able  
to find him."  
  
"Actually, I think he's camping out behind Furinkan," Ukyou  
said. "At least he was last morning."  
  
"Terrific!" Victor said. "Thanks for your time, miss. If  
I'm ever in town again, I'll have to sample some of your art."  
  
Victor reached out and picked up Ukyou's hand, bowing to  
kiss it. She blushed. Ranma rolled his eyes.  
  
"Now," Victor said, letting the hand down, "Saotome and I  
must be off. Ta ta!"  
  
"But your food--"  
  
"No time!" Victor said, pulling Ranma away by the arm,  
heading out the door and around the corner.  
  
"Ugh," Victor said. "What repulsive swill. Was that ugly  
girl cooking small puddles of vomit, or did it just smell like  
it?"  
  
"Take that back about Uc-chan, Victor," Ranma demanded. "Or  
I'll--"  
  
"What? Knock me silly like you absurd little martial  
artists do?" he grinned. "I'll be on your doorstep the next day  
as cute little P-Chan, just DYING to let Akane in on a little  
secret, if you know what I mean. Or better yet, a P-Chan that  
has been beaten up. Who do you think she'll guess did it? Hint,  
his name rhymes with Zanma."  
  
Soon, Ranma thought. Once I get my hands on Ryouga, you're  
going DOWN, pal.  
  
*  
  
"He's WHAT?!?" Kunou screamed, standing bolt upright.  
  
"Planning to ask Akane out," Sasuke mumbled. "Please,  
master Kunou, don't be angry! I'm sure it's just a  
misunderstanding--"  
  
"If that swine Ryouga Hibiki wants to win the heart of the  
fair Akane, he'll have to get through ME!" Kunou proclaimed. "I,  
Tatewaki Kunou, will allow nothing el--"  
  
An eraser bopped off Kunou's forehead. "In the hall,  
Kunou!" his teacher demanded, pointing his chalk accusingly.  
  
"Yes sir," Kunou seethed through a clenched jaw. "Come,  
Sasuke."  
  
"But what of Ryouga, master?" Sasuke asked, leading Kunou  
out the classroom door. "He's currently behind the school in the  
woods by the river, but there's a track and field meet going  
on... I don't think we can get to him."  
  
"There is ALWAYS a way, Sasuke. Go to the mansion and fire  
up the Lady Binsen II," Kunou said. "If you'll excuse me, I need  
to find a bucket."  
  
*  
  
"Roller derby?" Victor asked, confused.  
  
"It's one of the events," Ranma shrugged. "Mikado suggested  
it, mostly because he figured he'd win. Shame he's out with a  
cold today. That's why I hate skating, it's too cold."  
  
"I don't relish crossing the athletic field with those folks  
out on parade," Victor said, pointing to the thundering herd of  
roller-skating students. "Do you know anybody who could get them  
to stop?"  
  
"No," Ranma said. "There's the principal, but he'd freak  
out at your hairdo if we went to see him."  
  
"Something wrong with my beautiful locks?" Victor asked.  
  
"Yeah. It's called shampoo. Use it occasionally," Ranma  
said. "Alright, how to get across..."  
  
"RANMA!" a high pitched voice called out from the crowd.   
Several skaters went down, crashing to the oval track as an  
object made a beeline for the two boys. Azusa popped out of the  
fray, knocking several lesser skaters aside as she coasted up on  
inlines.  
  
"Ranma, have you seen Charlotte?" Azusa asked, skating in  
lazy circles around the pair.  
  
"No, that's the point," Victor said.  
  
"Not THAT Charlotte," Ranma corrected. "Actually... Azusa,  
we're looking for her right now. See, Akane knows how much you  
ADORE her little pig, and is offering to let you take care of her  
for awhile, but we can't seem to find her."  
  
"Charlotte's been missing for weeks!" Azusa pouted. "What  
can I do to help?"  
  
"Get me and Victor here to the other side of the track,"  
Ranma said. "To the forest."  
  
"Okee!" Azusa beamed, grabbing each boy by the arm and  
jerking them forward. "OUTTA MY WAY!"  
  
The trio ran directly into the skaters at an acute angle,  
pushing people aside as they proved the theorem about the  
shortest distance between two points.  
  
Skaters flopped down left and right, sometimes knocked down  
by Azusa, sometimes impacting against Ranma and Victor. Chaos  
theory was put into action as skaters swerved every imaginable  
direction to avoid the crazed girl.  
  
Azusa flung Ranma and Victor ten feet to the grasses on the  
other side of the track. "Can't stay! Tell me when you find my  
darling Charlotte! Byeeeee!"  
  
With that, she skated back into the fray.  
  
Victor coughed and wheezed, trying to avoid touching any  
body parts on him that hurt. "What was that wheeled demon?"  
  
"Azusa," Ranma said. "Alright, we made it. Now what?"  
  
*  
  
"...and that should do it," Charlotte said. "The trick, I'd  
say, is to get everybody doing what they're supposed to be doing  
at the correct point in time. It should be pretty fun to pull  
off."  
  
Ryouga stared blankly.  
  
"Hello? Ryouga? Earth to Hibiki?" Charlotte said, snapping  
her fingers.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, sorry, must have been daydreaming..."  
  
"Stay on the planet for the next few days, lover boy, you've  
got just as much work to do as Buford and I if we're going to do  
this right," Charlotte smirked. "Okay. Let's go over it again.   
When you see Ranma, what do you do?"  
  
"HURT him for maltreating the lovely Akane!" Ryouga  
exclaimed, pounding a fist into his open hand and bearing his  
fangs.  
  
"No! Were you paying attention? That's NOT what we want to  
do. First of all, it won't work. Second of all, we can get  
others to do that for us. The trick, I'd say, would be--"  
  
The sun dimmed. Charlotte paused, looking up. Was it  
normal for the clouds to be dark brown and in a sort of grid-like  
pattern?  
  
The net flopped down over the campsite, covering the french  
girl, her yellow clad partner and their bored friend in less than  
a second. Buford snapped his head up in alarm and tried to claw  
his way out, only to get tangled further in the net.  
  
"Gotcha!" Victor shouted, jumping out from behind the  
bushes. Ranma jumped down from the tree the net was dropped  
from, looking particularly eager. "Thought you could get away,  
eh sis? Never underestimate the power of brotherly love. Now,  
Saotome, if you'd be so good as to get me some water--"  
  
Ranma slammed his elbow into Victor's stomach, doubling him  
over in both surprise and agony. Victor glared up at Ranma in  
disbelief, the evil sneer gone from his face.  
  
"THAT'S for Ukyou," Ranma said.  
  
Ranma reared back and SLAMMED one across Victor's cheek,  
sending him flying into a tree head-first. Victor's eyes rolled  
into his head and he slept soundly.  
  
"And THAT'S for Akane."  
  
"Bravo!" Charlotte called. "Good boy. Now, if you could  
get us untangled--"  
  
"I just want Ryouga," Ranma said. "You've got some  
unfinished business back home with Akane."  
  
Ryouga's eyes went dreamy.  
  
"Not that," Ranma said, noticing the look. "If I don't get  
P-Chan back home before school ends, heads will roll. Come on  
out of there."  
  
"Hey, what about us?" Charlotte demanded.  
  
"I suppose when Victor here wakes up, he'll take you guys  
off wherever he's going and get out of my hair once and for all,"  
Ranma said. "Have fun."  
  
"Beat it, Ranma!" Ryouga demanded, trying to reach for his  
backpack. "I'm not going back just yet, and I'm NOT going to let  
that guy take Charlotte away. You're not going to ruin my plans  
again!"  
  
"Have it your way," Ranma shrugged. "Now, I just need some  
water so I can get you home without much of a fight--"  
  
"RRRGHHH!" Ryouga growled, exploding into full standing  
position in a flurry of rope shavings and flying bandannas. He  
cast off the yellow fabric and brown net-bits, enraged beyond the  
state of simple rage. "DIE, RANMA!"  
  
Ranma quickly assumed a fighting stance, as Ryouga pulled  
his umbrella out. The fight was going to be brutal, bloody  
beyond bloody, a man to man match until the end.  
  
With a CRASH, a motor yacht grounded itself onto the shores  
of the river, sending a cascading wave of river water over the  
campsite. Kunou jumped down from the deck, bokken drawn and  
ready.  
  
"Today is the day you visit hell, Hibiki!" Kunou sneered,  
advancing on the soggy wreck of Ryouga's campsite. Kunou  
blinked.  
  
Ryouga Hibiki was nowhere in sight. All he could see were a  
number of small pigs in a net, and...  
  
"PIG-TAILED GIRL!" Kunou exclaimed, overjoyed. He dropped  
his sword and immediately ran forward, embracing Ranma-chan in a  
crushing hug.  
  
"Urggh!" Ranma-chan grunted, trying to escape Kunou's loving  
caress of doom.  
  
"Come, let me take you away from all this madness!" Kunou  
said, leaping back aboard the Lady Binsen II. Sasuke fired up  
the motor, and the yacht scraped its way back into the waters,  
accompanied by the sound of a fistfight below decks.  
  
Victor, now reverted to his V-Chanesque form, slept beneath  
the tree, dreaming little pig dreams of slop and the warm sun and  
flaming, intense death upon Saotome for doublecrossing him. P-  
Chan bit at the ropes of the net, trying to free Charlotte.   
Buford did likewise, but his tusks were meant for ramming, not  
cutting.  
  
Well, P-Chan thought, it could have been worse.  
  
"CHARLOTTE!" a happy voice called out from the trees. Azusa  
bounded into the room, skates dangling from her neck, and scooped  
up P-Chan, hugging him to the point of blood circulation  
clotting.  
  
"BWEEE!" P-Chan protested.  
  
"Hmm? What's this?" Azusa asked, examining the two captive  
piggies and the one snoozing one. "Lisette! Cosette! Janette!   
MORE cute piggies!"  
  
Azusa hoisted the net over her shoulder, picking up V-Chan  
and dropping him in with the other two. "More for my collection!   
I couldn't be happier!"  
  
Azusa leapt off into the forest, newly found pigs in tow.   
High in the tokyo skies, Kunou had peaked in his punch-induced  
arc and was headed back down the ground, fast.  
  
*  
  
"Hello, welcome to-- oh, Nabiki. Hello," Ukyou waved from  
the counter. "Can I help you?"  
  
"Yes... did someone come by with Ranma earlier?" Nabiki  
asked.  
  
"Yup. I directed them to Ryouga's camp behind the school.   
Why, did something happen to Ran-chan?"  
  
"Could be. He hasn't been home all day," Nabiki said.   
"Akane was getting worried. She thought he was hiding because he  
lost P-Chan again. I figured I'd go look for his friend. And  
him, of course."  
  
"Hmmm. Here, let me close up shop and come with you," Ukyou  
said, untying her apron. She reached over and grabbed her Ukyou  
Special spatula, the one hanging on a massive wall peg, and slung  
it behind her back. "Alright, let's go."  
  
END - Part 3  
(Closing theme :  
The Ballad of Ranma and Akane (Darth Vader Version))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	4. Happiness in Slavery

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 4  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Plot to date : Ryouga meets Charlotte, Buford and  
Charlotte's snotty little bro Victor (who is determined to drag  
Charlotte back home). Victor looks like P-Chan and is  
accidentally pignapped by Akane, but gets away by blackmailing  
Ranma into helping him. Ranma and Victor ambush the other three,  
but Kunou shows up and ruins everything. Azusa spots all four  
piggies and runs home with them. (ten animals I slam in a net?)  
  
Meanwhile, Nabiki (who knows quite a bit of what's going on)  
is looking for Ranma and Victor, and Ukyou decides to help her  
search so she can make sure Ran-chan isn't in trouble. Ranma-  
chan is on Kunou's boat and Kunou is at five hundred feet and  
falling.  
  
One quick author note : Since the Azusa 'eps aren't  
available, I'm going on manga synopses and speculation. I'm  
guessing that she's two parts Elmyra and three parts C-Ko, and  
that seems to be the case... please forgive any other errors  
(such as where she lives).  
  
-=-  
  
The athletic field of Furinkan was not a pretty sight.  
  
Azusa had won the annual roller derby, obviously. Skating  
hobbyists lie in deformed piles around the oval track, silent and  
unmoving with numerous bruises and scrapes. The principal had  
escaped the chaos of his poorly-planned-out sporting event, only  
to be flattened by an out of control skater that was trying to  
avoid the onslaught. Nobody was left to call the ambulances.  
  
"I'm glad I skipped gym today," Ukyou said, taking in the  
carnage with frightened eyes.  
  
"The trail leads here," Nabiki said. "You said Ryouga's  
camp was on the other side of the woods there, right?"  
  
"Yeah. I hope Ran-chan wasn't hurt in this fight. Where'd  
Azusa go, anyway?"  
  
*  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
(musical insert : Why? (Meat Puppets 'Too High to Die', track 11)  
(Ed. - NIN doesn't have any 'happy' songs that'd work here.)  
  
Azusa was a happy camper.  
  
Not only did she find her beloved l'il Charlotte again, but  
her piggy friends Janette, Cosette and Lisette! The entire piggy  
family. Cosette didn't seem real happy and was trying to chew  
through the net and Lisette was asleep, but a haul was a haul...  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
Azusa skated on home, sack of piggies slung over her  
shoulder as she raced the setting sun. It was always a nice day  
around Azusa's neighborhood; she had a habit of attacking anybody  
that was gloomy.  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
Her skates slid along the pavement as blade on ice, slick,  
fast and efficient. She wanted so much to try out her new Pet  
Room... she had been on an organizational kick lately, putting  
dolls in one room, pets in another, and miscellaneous bright  
shiny objects in the other. Sure, she had to kick her brother  
out of the house to make the room, but that wasn't important.  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
Azusa coasted into the house and up the stairs (which she  
had flattened out into a nice slope, which was great to  
accelerate on), skidding to a halt in front of her Pet Room. She  
opened the door, tossed the net in, and shut it.  
  
Wouldn't her piggies just LOVE their new hog heaven?  
  
PART 4 : HAPPINESS IN SLAVERY  
  
*  
  
Ranma-chan steered the bulky cruiser as well as he could.   
Ugh, what a lousy day. First she's being blackmailed by some  
pale gaijin, then he's being groped by Kunou... AGAIN... and now  
he's playing Ranma the Sailor Man.  
  
Sasuke didn't put up much of a fight after she knocked Kunou  
into the stratosphere, mostly because he was shocked that his  
master was currently orbiting Mars. In hindsight, Ranma-chan  
wished she hadn't done that; she didn't know the first thing  
about boats.  
  
She managed to aim the motor yacht at the shore, towards  
Ryouga's campsite. All she had to do was pull up, grab P-Chan  
and go home and all would be forgiven. The boat was approaching  
rather fast though... which lever slowed it down?  
  
Luckily, Ranma-chan picked the right lever. She picked the  
wrong direction, however.  
  
*  
  
"Another battleground?" Ukyou wondered, as the two girls  
walked over to the wrecked camp from the forest.  
  
"Looks like it," Nabiki said. "Let's see... lots of  
footprints... some scrapes of rope on the dirt, probably a net...  
and a boat ramming into the shore. The ground's wet, which means  
it caused a wave."  
  
"How do you know all that?"  
  
"You get to be pretty observant in my chosen career," Nabiki  
said.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Underhanded business."  
  
"Oh. So where'd Ran-chan go? He was last reported here,  
after all..."  
  
"You might want to stand back," Nabiki warned.  
  
"Why?" Ukyou asked, before the Lady Binsen II rammed into  
the shore for a second time, impaling itself on a nearby tree  
stump. A high pitched scream arced over Ukyou's head, landing in  
a tree with a WHUMPH.  
  
"Ran-chan!" Ukyou brightened, looking at the figure tangled  
in branches above her. "Hmmm. You don't look particularly good  
today, Ran-chan."  
  
"Mpphhgh," Ranma-chan offered.  
  
Ukyou climbed up the tree, and used a sharpened spatula to  
start cutting off branches. She carried Ranma-chan down, draped  
over a shoulder.  
  
"Feeling better?" she asked, setting the dazed ex-sailor  
down.  
  
"Just lovely, thank you," Ranma-chan groaned. "Everything's  
broken."  
  
"We don't have time to go to Doctor Tofu's," Nabiki said.   
"Where's that Victor guy?"  
  
"Huh? You know about him? How?"  
  
"I have my ways," Nabiki said. "It looks like everybody who  
was here got dragged off."  
  
"Let's see..." Ranma-chan said, thinking back. "A crash...  
lots of pigs around... Kunou had the nerve to kidnap me... that's  
that. There was a net. Someone probably used it to drag  
everybody off."  
  
"Who, though?" Nabiki asked. "Everybody nearby is currently  
beaten to a pulp."  
  
"Azusa," Ranma-chan moaned, dejected. "Great. Azusa got  
them. I should have known better than to get HER help."  
  
"Azusa?" Ukyou asked.  
  
"Martial arts figure skater," Ranma-chan said. "She and  
that hentai partner of hers challenged me and Akane to a duel a  
long time before you got here. She's nasty, brutal, sinister and  
cute."  
  
"Hey!" Ukyou complained.  
  
"No! I don't mean it that way," Ranma-chan defended. "It's  
like this..."  
  
*  
  
"I'm gonna be sick," Buford said, trying to avoid looking at  
the bunny-and-duckie wallpaper. "What sick, twisted person could  
possibly LIKE a room like this?"  
  
"Well, it is a bit garish," Charlotte said, checking the top  
of the toy cabinet for dust, "But she does have an eye for  
texture. Victor, quit trying the door, we KNOW it's locked."  
  
"Damn that Saotome..." Victor grumbled, trying to use his  
weak muscles to force the door open. "Has the nerve to double-  
cross ME and leave me as a pig to be caught by some kawaii-  
demon... just WAIT till I get out of here. His cover is SHOT!"  
  
"Ranma doesn't have any cover," Ryouga said, growing annoyed  
with Victor's rambling. "The only person who doesn't know about  
his gender switcheroo is Kunou, and the guy's so dense that he'll  
never figure it out."  
  
"His what?" Victor asked. "No, I mean his fiancee's stupid  
little pig. I bet that insane girl will be real happy when I  
show her that her pig is actually me in disguiseURK."  
  
"Take that back," Ryouga requested, pinning Victor against  
the door with his umbrella. "Take back what you said about  
Akane!"  
  
"Ryouga, calm down. There's no need to beat each other up  
when we have Miss Azusa to do that for us," Charlotte said. "I  
don't think she'll be very happy when she walks in here and finds  
no piglets."  
  
"Bite me," Buford cheerfully suggested. "I wanted to change  
back, and she had managed to drag our gear in that net. I'm just  
glad I had my thermos filled."  
  
Ryouga ignored the other two. "If you so much as CONSIDER  
telling Akane anything like that," he said, "They'll be flying  
you back to France in a body cast."  
  
"What's your beef?" Victor asked, trying to get his toes in  
contact with the ground. "It's just a pig. It's not like I'd be  
telling the truth if I was to say it was a boy in disguise.   
Besides, what do you care about Akane? She's just this  
kawaiikuneURUGHHH"  
  
"Ryouga, put him down already," Charlotte said. "There is  
no need for hostility."  
  
"Alright," Ryouga agreed, pulling the umbrella away from  
Victor's chest. Victor slumped down against the door. "But the  
threat stands, Victor. Stay away from Ranma and Akane."  
  
"Okay, okay. Ranma's a sucky pawn anyway. I'm sure I can  
find better ones," he theorized.  
  
"You might have a shortage, Victor," Charlotte said,  
adjusting her bow and grinning evilly. "I'm afraid my current  
plan is rather extensive. Possibly even beyond your meddling  
abilities."  
  
"I've ruined your stories before, big sister, and I can do  
it again," Victor said.  
  
"I think I'm gonna puke," Buford said, peering down into  
Azusa's toybox. "Take a look at this, guys."  
  
The other three crept up to the toybox, and peered inside.   
Victor turned pale. Well, paler.  
  
Inside were a few dozen stuffed pigs, no longer stuffed.   
Hugged to death, puffy innards spilling out.  
  
"We've gotta get out of here," Buford said, slowly closing  
the lid of the plushie crypt.  
  
The sound of wheels rolling against carpet was heard outside  
the door, as well as a key turning in a lock. "Oh, friends!   
Azusa's here to shower you with love and affection!"  
  
"Hit the deck!" Buford suggested, as the door opened. The  
four jumped for cover.  
  
"Got a nice sponge bath ready for you--" Azusa started,  
wheeling into the room and tripping over a prone Ryouga. The pan  
soared up in the air, dousing the entire room in water.  
  
Azusa gurgled, and pulled herself back up on her skates.   
"Oops! I got my piggies wet! Don't worry, I'll get you nice 'n  
dry!"  
  
The pigs scrambled, trying to make a break for the door, but  
Azusa had a wheeled advantage. In less than a second, she had  
all four pigs snuggled up in a towel, and was happily crushing  
them with love.  
  
*  
  
"Are you sure this is her house?" Ranma asked, pointing at  
the pink and yellow home, standing out among the basic browns and  
whites of the other suburban buildings.  
  
"Positive. I checked my resources extensively," Nabiki  
said. "We need to apply discretion on entering. If we can sneak  
the pigs out quietly, we can avoid having to fight her."  
  
"Good. I don't like to hit girls, even ones as insane as  
Azusa," Ranma said.  
  
"I don't mind at all," Ukyou said, readying her Ukyou  
Special spatula. "If little miss eight wheels wants a fight--"  
  
"DISCRETION," Nabiki reminded. "Ranma, you try first.   
Ukyou, let's get out of sight."  
  
Ranma ran the bell as the two girls scurried for cover.   
There was a pause, and the sound of wheels rolling down a 45'  
incline, and the door shook with an impact. Azusa opened the  
door, rubbing her forehead.  
  
"Ow," she greeted. "Can I help you-- Ranma?"  
  
"Hello," he said. "Say, I was wondering, have you seen any  
pigs around?"  
  
"You mean cute 'n adorable little piggies that you just love  
to hug and snug forever and ever?!" Azusa said, lost on  
happiness.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"NO!" Azusa screamed, and slammed the door in Ranma's face.  
  
"Real discrete," Ukyou said. "Alright, my turn. Get away  
from the door, Ranma."  
  
Ukyou rang the bell, and the door promptly opened.  
  
"Ranm... oh, you're not Ranma."  
  
"Greetings!" Ukyou said. "I've come to cheerfully extend to  
you an opportunity to visit Ucchan's, Nerima's premiere  
Okonomiyaki eatery for a free meal! Do you have the time?"  
  
"Sorry, I already ate," Azusa said, closing the door again.  
  
"Amateurs," Nabiki claimed, rolling her eyes. "Alright,  
wait right here. I'll be right back."  
  
*  
  
"What took?" Ranma asked, sitting on Azusa's doorstep.  
  
"I had to get something at the arts and crafts store around  
the corner," Nabiki said. "I just need a target object...  
that'll do."  
  
"Hey!" Ukyou exclaimed, as Nabiki plucked a spatula from her  
bandolier. "That's mine!"  
  
"I'll pay you for the replacement," Nabiki said, applying  
some items from a paper bag to it. "Alright. Sit back and watch  
a master at work." She rang the doorbell.  
  
"Hello?" Azusa said, peeking out the door.  
  
"A gift for you," Nabiki said, presenting her with the  
spatula. It wasn't just a spatula now... it had a cute yellow  
ribbon tied around the handle, and two 'google-eyes' stuck to the  
flat part, wobbling around like Cookie Monster.  
  
"Sylvie!" Azusa yelped, happily grabbing at the kawaiified  
spatula. "Sylvie!"  
  
Nabiki paused there, revelling in her success. "If you'll  
notice, in a fit of joy, Azusa has left her front door open.   
Now, I suggest a quick search of the house."  
  
*  
  
"Sylvie, Sylvie, Sylvie!" Azusa giggled, rolling around her  
Misc. Bright Shiny Object Room. In there were a variety of  
lights, balls, and cans that gleamed in the kaleidoscope light  
she had installed. Now, she had a little spatula-friend to add  
to her collection! Life didn't get much better than this!  
  
She reluctantly set Sylvie down in her Kitchenware display,  
and skated out of the room. Funny, why is the door to her Pet  
Room open? She skated down the hall, sliding to a stop.  
  
"AIEEEEE!" she screamed in terror.  
  
"Whoops," Ranma said, caught in the act of swiping P-Chan.  
  
"GET AWAY FROM CHARLOTTE!" Azusa demanded, skating by and  
slapping Ranma's arm, knocking P-Chan to the floor. "OUT! OUT  
OF MY ROOM, YOU KAWAIIKUNE--"  
  
GONGGGGG went Azusa against Ukyou's outstretched mega-  
spatula. The skater went down like an expensive silk doll,  
dreaming happy little dreams. Ukyou smiled. "WHO'S kawaiikune?   
Hmm?"  
  
"We got P-Chan!" Ranma cheered. "Let's get out of here and  
back home before Akane notices."  
  
"Right behind you, Ran-chan!" Ukyou said, holstering the  
spatula and bounding out of the room behind him. Nabiki examined  
the black, squirming piglet in her grip with amusement.  
  
"You and I have quite a bit to talk about," she mused,  
stepping over Azusa's body and exiting.  
  
Buford and Charlotte exchanged a few words in Bweese, and  
tagged along after Nabiki, making sure to stay out of sight.  
  
*  
  
The sun had already set by the time Ranma was home. Ukyou  
had already headed home, after noting the time. It was just him  
and the pig.  
  
He quietly slipped through the door, making a total absence  
of noise. He kept one hand clamped over P-Chan's snout, to keep  
him from squealing and waking Akane up. He just hoped that Akane  
hadn't noticed P-Chan being absent all day...  
  
"Alright," he whispered to P-Chan. "We're here. You want  
to be with Akane so bad, go to her."  
  
P-Chan nodded, and took the opportunity to bite Ranma's hand  
before jumping out of his grip.  
  
"YOW!" Ranma yelled, grabbing at his finger. Down came the  
wooden mallet, and down went Ranma.  
  
The lights flipped on, and Akane, mallet in hand, looked on  
in horror. "Ranma! I'm sorry. I thought there was a prowler in  
the house."  
  
"D... don't mention it," Ranma said, trying to get up. A  
second mallet clobber put him back down.  
  
"What was THAT for?!" Ranma asked, grabbing his aching head.  
  
"You lost P-Chan again, that's what it was for," Akane said.   
"He wasn't here all day, AFTER I told you to keep an eye on him!"  
  
"He's right there!!" Ranma said, pointing to a sheepish P-  
Chan, who had already started to head upstairs.  
  
"P-CHAN!" Akane yelled, dropping her mallet and rushing  
forward to grab her pig. "Okay, Ranma. I'm sorry. I take it  
back."  
  
"Kind of LATE to do that now," Ranma said, rubbing the two  
lumps on the back of his head. He lurched off to bed, grumbling  
something about tomboys.  
  
Two small pigs nudged open the door that Ranma had left  
open, and peeked in. The way clear, they entered, nosing the  
door shut behind them.  
  
END - Part 4  
(Closing theme : Down In It (Ya Pa Pa Mix))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	5. Something I Can Never Have

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 5  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Plot update, just like before.  
  
Ryouga meets Charlotte and Buford, two Jusenkyo-pig cursed  
types and also Charlotte's brother Victor (who is on a sister-  
hunt at the moment.) However, Victor looks like P-Chan when  
dropped in water and is turned over to Akane, giving Charlotte  
some free time to help out Ryouga's crush on Akane.  
  
The usual mayhem, etc, and somehow Azusa ends up pig-napping  
all four of the pigs. Ukyou, Nabiki and Ranma manage to break  
them out of Azusa's house/prison, and they split up, Ranma to  
give P-Chan back to Akane, Nabiki to have a chat with Victor and  
the other two following Nabiki quietly.  
  
-=-  
  
Nabiki tucked the black piglet under one arm, and slid open  
the door to the bathroom. A little hot water should do the  
trick, she figured...  
  
V-Chan had submitted to his fate. After all, things could  
be worse; he could be sleeping crushed under Akane again. That  
would be a fate worse than death, the pig noted, shivering.  
  
"Calm down, I'll have you back to normal in a minute,"  
Nabiki said, running some hot water under the tap. "Here, I dug  
out some of Ranma's clothes before leaving. Figured they'd come  
in handy. I'll wait outside while you change."  
  
V-Chan bweed in agreement, and hopped to the ground. Nabiki  
put the cup next to him, and left.  
  
Strange girl. Unlike most of the people he had been meeting  
lately, she wasn't violent, constantly confused or overly  
affectionate. Just sort of... there. A straight poker face.   
Could the Tendos actually have a NORMAL offspring in their midst?   
Perhaps she could make a worthy pawn in his quest to bring  
Charlotte back home...  
  
V-Chan knocked the cup over, springing into full human form.   
He towelled off, slipped on some more of Saotome's hideous  
clothing, and walked out whistling.  
  
"A sprinkle a day," he joked. "Thanks for the water. I  
regret I can't stay very long--"  
  
"Hold it," she said. "I'd like to talk with you for a  
little while."  
  
"No time," Victor said. "Terribly sorry."  
  
"Okay," Nabiki said. "I tried. I bet all my friends at  
school will be disappointed to hear that I had such an  
influential and wealthy person such as yourself and just let him  
walk away... him AND his sister. I bet they'd tell some of their  
friends where you are, and some of their friends..."  
  
Victor paused. "You wouldn't."  
  
"Try me," Nabiki smiled.  
  
"But... it would disgrace my family name if anybody was to  
find out Charlotte had run away!"  
  
"And that she had dad's credit card, AND that she and you  
were cursed and turned into... gads, I hate to say it, common  
farm animals."  
  
Victor's usually smug face dropped to pure amazement.  
  
"Nice trick you pulled on Ranma, but I'm afraid you have  
nothing on me and I have everything on you. Now, in here,  
please," Nabiki motioned, gesturing to her open door. "We have  
financial matters to discuss."  
  
Victor nodded slowly, loping off to Nabiki's room under the  
heavy burden of his own shame. Nabiki, who didn't seem to give a  
care, skipped inside and shut the door.  
  
The two pigs who were watching from around the corner  
grinned.  
  
*  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
(musical insert : A Warm Place, Halo 8, track 11)  
  
Ryouga and Akane sat on the beach. A private beach;  
complete with crystal blue water and foam that lapped against the  
shoreline with the lightest of touches. The sun was soft against  
the warm sand, gazing down upon the cool breezes that made the  
trees sway to and fro.  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
Akane, snoozing him her deck chair, leaned over, snuggling  
against Ryouga's shoulder. Ryouga looked up from his Grisham  
novel, and smiled. All was well.  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
He returned to his book, but couldn't concentrate. The  
contact of Akane's sleeping form on his arm was just too much.   
He set the book down, and brushed some sand out of her hair.  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
Then Ranma briskly stepped in, knocked Ryouga into the  
stratosphere and snatched Akane, diving into the ocean, never to  
be seen again. P-Chan woke instantly from his nightmare, ready  
to bwee his heart out... but Akane was still here, in her yellow  
cat pajamas. P-Chan calmed down, and went back to sleep.  
  
PART 5 : SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE  
  
*  
  
Buford-boar nudged the pack over to Charlotte, who zippered  
it open and pulled out her dress.  
  
"I STILL say those silly springs should let you keep your  
clothes," Charlotte complained. "It's such a bother to have to  
lug all this baggage around."  
  
"Who's doing the lugging? You?" Buford asked, wiping  
freshly-splashed warm water out of his face. "You've got no  
right to complain, little girl."  
  
"Someone's testy today," Charlotte said, retying her bow to  
accommodate her larger head size.  
  
"I can't believe you're helping out this Ryouga character,"  
Buford said. "With you, it's always whatever seems like a good  
idea at a time. Want to go to the caribbean? Get Buford to haul  
your bag there. Victor sets a private detective on us? Buford,  
pound him for me. Naturally, I couldn't smack Victor around a  
little, even if he was standing right there and asking for it."  
  
"That's not the point of the game," Charlotte said. "We're  
matching plots and plans, not fists."  
  
"Then why was *I* happily wiping the mat with some wimpy  
private dick?" Buford asked.  
  
"It's part of the plan. Victor has to get new allies in  
every city. You I always have. You're a formidable pawn."  
  
"PAWN?!" Buford blurted. "Girl, I do practically everything  
for you, and you don't regard me higher than a stupid little  
painted chess piece? Ah, forget it. Carry your own bags form  
now on. I'm outta here."  
  
"Wh... wait!" Charlotte spoke, reaching after the exiting  
cowboy. "Where are you going?"  
  
"China," he said. "I'm going to track down that cure and  
keep it up until... well, until I find it. You may not want to  
be cured, but *I* do. Hasta la vista!"  
  
"Not so loud!" Charlotte insisted. "You'll wake the  
Tendos."  
  
"All the better. You've got plotting and planning skills;  
plot and plan your way out of here," Buford said, donning his hat  
and striding out the door, floorboards creaking.  
  
Charlotte dashed for the door, but the man was gone. Fast  
walker, she noted. It has been of invaluable help, when we  
needed to get away from a Victor-assisted lynch mob...  
  
"Bwee?" bweed a voice near her ankle. P-Chan tugged at her  
dress.  
  
"Oh, it's you," Charlotte said, downfallen. "Alright.   
Let's get you a little hot water."  
  
*  
  
"Ugh," Ryouga groaned, looking at his ruined campsite.   
Repeated boat crashes and net-scuffs and tidal waves had not been  
kind to the site. Still, a clearing was a clearing. "It'll have  
to do. I can't wait any longer, I need to be with Akane. I need  
to know your plan!"  
  
"Plan. Right," Charlotte said. "Okay."  
  
"Something wrong?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"No... yes. Buford left," Charlotte said. "He said I was  
treating him like a chess piece."  
  
"Weren't you?" Ryouga asked before being slapped. He spin a  
full three hundred and sixty degrees before falling over.  
  
"I WASN'T!" Charlotte yelled. "He was a good man, and  
always there to keep me out of trouble, even when we were in  
serious danger... he never asked to follow me around, he just  
started to after fishing me out of that fountain in Austin...  
just like a big brother... and now he's gone."  
  
"Sorry," Ryouga apologized.  
  
"No, it's okay," Charlotte said, helping Ryouga to his feet.   
"I was being pretty insensitive lately, ordering him around more  
and saying please less... I guess I drove him away. I feel like  
pond scum."  
  
"You're NOT pond scum," Ryouga stated. "You're one of the  
nicest people I've ever met, Charlotte. You like me even though  
I'm cursed, and even want to help me. Nobody's ever helped me  
before without asking for something in return. Making deals.   
You're the first person who hasn't tried to use me for their own  
agenda."  
  
"Yes I have," Charlotte said. "I mean, I'm just doing this  
because I love toying with people. Meddling. You could be  
anybody, even Ranma, or Ukyou."  
  
"You really believe that?" Ryouga asked. "I thought you  
liked me."  
  
"I do, Ryouga, just that... well..."  
  
The two paused, not sure what words were supposed to follow.   
They KNEW the words, but pretended not to.  
  
"Plan," Ryouga managed.  
  
"Plan. Yes, the plan," Charlotte said, pulling a rolled up  
sheet of paper out of her dress sleeve. "The plan."  
  
"How'd you fit that up there?"  
  
"Woman's secret. Okay, I took what you've been telling me  
the last few days and plotted it up in diagram format," she said,  
unrolling the paper on the driest portion of dirt she could find.  
  
Ryouga squinted at the paper. It resembled a fifty pound  
bag of ramen noodles in two dimensions. Circles with names in  
them had dozens of arrows, all point off in various directions,  
with various colors.  
  
"I'll translate," Charlotte said, fetching a stick to use as  
a pointer. "Okay. The main relationship here is Ryouga to  
Akane, which is in the form of not-yet-expressed love. Plus we  
have a back-arrow from Akane to the P-Chan circle attached to  
yours, of Motherly Love. In turn, we have Ranma reluctantly  
engaged to Akane, and vice versa, with extra fiancees that love  
Ranma under the circles with Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi, and  
'enemy' lines between all three and Akane, plus the various  
seekers of Akane such as Kunou, Gosunkugi, and Mikado. Azusa  
wants to hug P-Chan to bits and the pig-tailed girl is chased by  
Kunou and Mikado. Mouse loves Shampoo and is an enemy of Ranma  
for that. Cologne schemes with Shampoo and Happosai's a jerk and  
three quarters. I have a feeling Nabiki is also twisting  
Victor's arm at the moment. Did I forget anything?"  
  
"Ummm... Tsubasa shows up occasionally calling in Ukyou..."  
Ryouga thought, trying to puzzle out the links and dialog boxes  
on the paper. "Ranma's mother will kill him and his father if  
she finds out about the curses, and Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome  
want Akane and Ranma together and I think Sasuke has a thing for  
Azusa."  
  
Charlotte perked an eyebrow.  
  
"Or so I'm told," Ryouga shrugged.  
  
"Okay. So we need to keep everybody that has an Akane-love-  
link or a Ryouga-hate-link away from you. Hmm. This is going to  
take some work."  
  
"What are these circles off to the side?" Ryouga asked,  
tapping the paper.  
  
"Victor, Buford and I," Charlotte said. "Extra players.   
Victor we can probably keep out of the picture... notice the fear  
link to Akane and the slave link to Nabiki. That one's  
speculation, of course."  
  
"I think you can assume that one," Ryouga said. "Nabiki  
wouldn't have singled him out if she didn't have a plan of her  
own."  
  
"That could be a problem. Hmm. Okay, the biggest threats  
here are Ranma, Nabiki, Victor and Kunou. We can use the rest of  
these guys to keep those four away, and that'll be that. Are you  
sure you can win Akane over, if you're given a clear shot?"  
  
"I don't know," Ryouga said. "I mean, I've never been given  
the opportunity. Whenever I'm around her... not as P-Chan, that  
is, she's sort of indifferent. Doesn't show any malice, but  
nothing beyond friend-of-Ranma's either. What if you go through  
all this trouble, and I screw it up? I'd have lost my one shot  
at this, and let you down..."  
  
Charlotte thought. "Okay, I have a solution. We'll do a  
rehearsal date. Nothing fancy, just a quick troubleshooting run  
to make sure you don't act like a male pig... err... no pun  
intended... or say the wrong thing. Plus, you need to be taught  
how to stay AWAY from water."  
  
"How can we do a rehearsal date with the rest of them  
around, looking after Akane?"  
  
"Not with HER, silly. That's the final mission. We'll go  
out tonight and do a quick run-through."  
  
"What, with you?" Ryouga asked, confused.  
  
"Of course," Charlotte said. "What, you got a problem with  
me?"  
  
"No!" Ryouga blurted. "Anything. I need to be prepared.   
Yes, preparation is good. Lead the way."  
  
"We'll stick to the basics. Food, movie, trip home.   
That'll cover it," Charlotte said. "Don't worry, I'm an expert.   
Daddums would constantly parade me for other rich brats. I know  
what doesn't work. Boy, do I know what doesn't work."  
  
*  
  
Ryouga sat outside the toy store, wondering what was going  
on.  
  
Charlotte had agreed to go on a rehearsal date... well, more  
like suggested it in the first place. First stop was going to be  
dinner, but why were they at a toy store?  
  
"Wait here," she had ordered. So Ryouga did. Anything to  
make sure this worked.  
  
"Alright," Charlotte said, bounding out of the store with a  
multicolored plastic tube slung onto her back.  
  
"What's that?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"This?" Charlotte said, sliding the tube down her shoulder  
and into her waiting hands. "SuperSoaker. Just a fifty, I'm  
afraid, but I have some refill tubes handy."  
  
"Wh... what's that for?" Ryouga asked, alarmed.  
  
"Our purpose tonight is twofold. One, to make you into  
Prince Charming. Two, to make sure Akane doesn't find out your  
little secret by training you to avoid water," she said, pumping  
the front barrel of the gun. "Let's see how well you dance."  
  
The stream of water shot out, Ryouga hopping on one foot to  
avoid it. "Hey, cut that out!"  
  
"What, are you kidding? We'll be doing this all the way to  
the restaurant. Heads up."  
  
Ryouga ducked as another stream shot over his head. "Argh!   
Get that stuff away from me!"  
  
"I've still got a hundred shots to go! Now, let's move.   
Ucchan's is that way," she said, pointing. A stream approached  
his back, edging him on.  
  
Innocent bystanders giggled to themselves at the sight of a  
boy in yellow being chased by a watergun-wielding girl in a blue  
dress. It was just like being in a wacky cartoon comedy!  
  
One bystander detached from the crowd and slinked along  
after the pair. He wasn't laughing. He had a job to do.  
  
END - Part 5  
(Closing theme : Little Date (the no-mix mix))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	6. Terrible Lie

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 6  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
I'll assume you've read up to part four. (Part five was  
rather short; it was either a short part five and a normal part  
six, or a long but condensed part five.)  
  
Nabiki blackmails Victor, for a change. She hasn't set any  
terms yet, but will reveal that his family's children are MIA if  
he decides to displease her. Charlotte manages to tick Buford  
off to the extremes, and he leaves her. She gets very depressed  
about this, and is cheered up a bit by Ryouga, who comforts her.   
The two then go over her planning sheet, which details all the  
possible problems in getting Akane on a date safe and sound.   
Charlotte decides to personally handle Ryouga's training in  
dating and water dodging, to ensure success. Someone in the  
crowd near them follows (Gosh, could that be a SPY?! I don't  
know!...)  
  
-=-  
  
"You want money?" Victor asked.  
  
"Money for starters," Nabiki said. "Certainly you can  
afford my price for keeping quiet."  
  
"What else is there beyond keeping quiet?" Victor asked.  
  
"There's hiring fees," Nabiki said. "I know the people in  
the area better than you do, and could probably provide  
unparalleled assistance in your quest to recapture your sister.   
For a bit more yen, that is."  
  
"Here," Victor said, pulling a wad of yen out of his sleeve.   
"You're lucky I'm good at hiding things, or that stash would have  
been found in your bathroom. Never know when you'll need stored  
funds."  
  
"This was in my bathroom all the time?" Nabiki asked, eyes  
growing wide as she counted the stack in her mind.  
  
"Of course. I knew I'd probably bump into a little water,  
and since I had a willing player here, I thought it would be good  
to keep my credit card and a little spare change available for  
when I change back. This was before Saotome double-crossed me."  
  
"Consider my mouth shut," Nabiki said, snapping up the  
money.  
  
"Not so fast. I'd like that in writing," Victor said.   
"Ranma taught me one important thing; always get it in writing."  
  
"Alright, alright," Nabiki said, pulling out a pen and paper  
set. "I, Nabiki Tendo, promise not to tell anybody who Victor  
really is and why he's here. Signed Nabiki Tendo. Take it."  
  
"Make a copy for yourself," Victor said. "Double-binding.   
I'll sign that one.  
  
Victor signed the second copy, making sure he swirled the  
'o' like he usually did on checks and bank statements. There.   
Now he wouldn't have to worry about another backstabber.  
  
"Let's start working," Nabiki said, filing away her copy of  
the contract. "I figure we could trick Shampoo into thinking  
your sister has her eyes set on Ranma, which would--"  
  
"Gotta go," Victor said, reaching for the doorknob. "Ta  
ta."  
  
"Ta ta? But we haven't started."  
  
"I don't work with amateurs," Victor said. "Sorry. I need  
witless fools to make my plans work, not mercenaries. See you  
around sometime."  
  
"You're refusing my offer?"  
  
"No. Think of it more like painful rejection," Victor said,  
grinning from ear to ear as he ducked out the door and walked  
off.  
  
"You'll regret it," Nabiki called after him.  
  
"I doubt it," his voice floated up the stairs. "After all,  
I've got it in writing." Nabiki heard the front door shut  
shortly afterwards.  
  
*  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
(musical insert : Kinda I Want To, Halo 3 Track 6)  
  
Sidewalk-walkers jumped out of the way as the boy with the  
umbrella ran by, trying to fend off a barrage of water from the  
girl chasing him. He held the umbrella behind him, skipping  
backwards, boinging off the passers-by like a pinball.  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
Charlotte took careful aim, trying to arc her water over the  
protective umbrella. Ryouga was learning fast; he remembered the  
umbrella about one minute into the chase. A few more minutes of  
this and he'd practically be hydrophobic.  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
Ryouga noticed the high-arcing water, and held the umbrella  
up. It splattered against the red paper, but left his back  
completely unguarded... a stream of water impacted on the small  
of his back. He braced for the change...  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
Charlotte slid the carrying strap of the watergun over her  
shoulder. "Sheesh, Ryouga, a sleepwalker could have dodged that  
shot. Well, you're improving, at least. Here, I brought a  
thermos... let's go get you back to normal." She plucked the pig  
off the ground and ducked into an alley.  
  
PART 6 : TERRIBLE LIE  
  
*  
  
Smoke filled Tatewaki Kunou's room, as Sasuke appeared out  
of thick air. Kunou wished he would stop that; the smoke was  
very bad for his numerous posters of Akane and the pig-tailed  
girl. Each blown-up from photos Nabiki provided. The girl had a  
good eye, Kunou admitted.  
  
"Master Kuno!" Sasuke called, whiskers twitching. "I have  
excellent news!"  
  
"You have found the location of the one who dares claim  
Akane to his own, Ryouga Hibiki?" Kunou asked, readying his  
bokken.  
  
"Even better! I have evidence that he may NOT be planning  
to date Akane," Sasuke said, fumbling some polaroids he had been  
taking that evening. "As you can see by these photos, he seems  
to be dating someone else this evening. Mind you, she's chasing  
him with a watergun for some reason, but several eyewitnesses  
claim that she was yelling something about not being late for  
their date..."  
  
Kunou took a polaroid and examined it. There was that filth  
Hibiki, and someone else.  
  
"...the lighting level wasn't that great, and you know I'm  
no good with a camera, but I hope the shots turned out okay...  
err... Master Kunou? Are you feeling alright?"  
  
"Tell me, Sasuke... who is this vision of beauty that chases  
the chased with a cannon of fluid?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Who's the girl with the gun?" Kunou corrected. Curse the  
proletariat and its failure to grasp the language.  
  
"I don't know," Sasuke said.  
  
"I do," a voice on the other side of the room said. A head  
peeked in through the window. "I hope I'm not interrupting  
anything, Mr. Kunou?"  
  
"How did you get up here?" Kunou demanded, turning to the  
intruder. "We're on the third floor of the Kunou mansion!"  
  
"A little rope does wonders," Victor said, pulling himself  
through the window frame. "I noticed your associate here taking  
photographs in town, and recognizing him as a fellow information-  
gatherer, I figured I'd tail him. I believe you were inquiring  
as to the other person in the picture?"  
  
"I shall forgive your insolence this time, stranger," Kunou  
said. "If you can identify the female in question."  
  
"Quite simple. She's my sister," Victor said. "We're  
currently on R&R here in Japan. Seeing the sights and such, hob-  
nobbing with the commoners... staying home can be quite boorish.   
You must know how it is, being from a wealthy family yourself."  
  
"The Kunou family doth have fortunes, yes," Kunou nodded.  
  
"So we figured a vacation would do a world of good. Get out  
of the house, see the world, mix with other superior cultures...  
however, we've hit a snag. It seems that one Ryouga Hibiki has  
enchanted her under some kind of spell and kidnapped her!"  
  
"Hibiki?!" Kunou said, sitting bolt upright in his ornate  
chair. "A delicate rose such as her in the hands of a cur like  
that?"  
  
"I concur, no pun intended," Victor nodded gravely.   
"Please, Kunou, I beg of thee. Free my sister from that fool  
Hibiki. I would normally fight the knave myself, but I am not a  
warrior. You, on the other hand, have the blood of samurai in  
you, and could easily crush this Ryouga character and save my  
sister."  
  
"I should have realized Hibiki was up to no good when Sasuke  
overheard him proclaiming love to Akane," Kunou stated. "Very  
well. It shall be done!"  
  
"Great. We'd better hurry, I've booked us a flight back  
home to France tonight. You'll have to make sure she gets on  
that plane, no matter what Ryouga tries to do, no matter what she  
claims. Not in her right head, what with those strange noodles  
Ryouga enchanted her with."  
  
"Yes, magic does seem to flow freely with the students of  
Furinkan. I would not doubt that Hibiki has resorted to black  
arts in order to find female accompaniment."  
  
"A spell which I can break, once we're back home," Victor  
said. "I shall make preparations for our flight. Thank you,  
Kunou. Mind if I use the front door this time?"  
  
"Be my guest," Kunou said.  
  
Victor nodded, and gracefully exited, choking down a laugh.  
  
*  
  
"I'd call that a fair success," Charlotte said, walking  
through the doors of Ucchan's. "Make sure you have all sides  
guarded, and you shouldn't have any problems."  
  
"Do we have to do that again?" Ryouga asked, wet and  
exhausted.  
  
"Naah. You've got enough of it down pat. Let's just enjoy  
the rest of the night."  
  
"Have I done anything wrong yet?" Ryouga asked, selecting a  
table.  
  
"Hmm? Oh, the test. I'll let you know if you mess up,"  
Charlotte said, sitting down. "Just use a little common sense.   
That should do you. Hmm. Okonomiyaki, okonomiyaki, and more  
okonomiyaki. Quite a diverse menu. You might want to consider  
taking Akane somewhere else."  
  
"Don't worry," Ryouga said. "This place and Nekohanten are  
out. Fiancee confliction, thanks to Ranma's general greediness."  
  
"I thought the other fiancees were either forced or  
misunderstandings."  
  
"Same deal," Ryouga said.  
  
"After this, we'll go to a movie, head back to camp, and  
start preparing for tomorrow's plan," Charlotte said, closing the  
menu. "I've got it all charted out, and exactly who we need to  
distract. It'll be easier than I thought."  
  
"Do you think it'll work?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Of course. And if it doesn't, I have a backup plan," she  
said. "Family heirloom. I salvaged it out of the pack of gear  
Buford was carrying for me. It's not much compared to the heaps  
of magic in an average day around Furinkan, but it's enough."  
  
Charlotte pulled a plastic disc, and snapped it open,  
revealing a powder puff on one half of the circle and a mirror on  
the other.  
  
"I didn't know you wore makeup," Ryouga noted.  
  
"I don't. Backup plan," she said, closing the mirror again.   
"Alright, let's order. I think I'm beginning to develop a taste  
for okonomiyaki."  
  
*  
  
Nabiki peeked around from her protective tree. Normally  
she'd leave intelligence gathering to the girls at school, but it  
was too late to go calling on them now.  
  
Ryouga's old site was deserted. It had been repaired to an  
extent; the campfire was rebuilt, albeit extinguished at the  
moment. The wreckage of trees and boat parts had been cleared,  
and a piece of paper laid out in the clearing.  
  
Hmmm. Nabiki glanced around, to make sure that she wasn't  
being watched, and examined the paper. SOMEONE had been  
researching the area... they had managed to get about ninety  
percent of the relationships between everybody she knew correct.  
  
First step was to fill in the gaps, the few parts to  
Victor's story that he didn't tell Ranma. She traced the arrows  
between Victor and the others... he's afraid of Akane? Hmm.   
That could be used... she couldn't make out the color of the  
arrow between Charlotte and Ryouga, the only arrow Charlotte's  
circle had going outwards.  
  
One odd thing was an arrow from Ryouga to Akane... this was  
news to Nabiki. Why was there a circle reading P-Chan above  
Ryouga? Not enough room to fit it in elsewhere? Most likely.   
Unless... naah. That couldn't be it.  
  
So what was the point of this chart? Some links were  
circled, as if they'd be important... particularly the ones  
involving herself, Kunou, Victor and Ranma. Those arrows were  
redrawn, circled, with little notes in french. What was Ryouga  
up to, and what did it have to do with her?  
  
*  
  
"...and he dressed up as your fiancee?" Charlotte asked,  
walking alongside Ryouga.  
  
"Yeah. I can't believe I fell for it. I thought someone  
actually loved me, despite the curse... then it turned out to  
just be Ranma in disguise."  
  
"Ouch. Poor guy," Charlotte said. "You just haven't had  
much luck, Ranma or no Ranma. This way, Ryouga," she said for  
the tenth time that night, pulling Ryouga along before he made a  
wrong turn.  
  
"At least with you helping me, I'll finally get my revenge  
on Saotome," Ryouga said. "Then, at last... I'll be able to be  
with Akane. Without the meddling of the rest of Ranma's  
friends."  
  
"You really love her, don't you?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"It's... hard to explain. I thought she loved me at first,  
since she treated me nice when nobody else would, but I realized  
that was just because I was a cute little pig. But when I'm  
human, she's still pretty friendly with me... she's the only girl  
who's given me a fair shake. I just wish I could express that to  
her without something getting in the way."  
  
"Come on, Ryouga, certainly a nice guy like you has had  
girls other than Akane pay attention to you," Charlotte said.   
"You're kind, you're witty, you do the right thing and have a  
neat umbrella."  
  
"And I get lost all the time, I turn into a pig when wet and  
I have an enemy that screws up my life at every step," Ryouga  
countered.  
  
"Being a pig isn't so bad," Charlotte said. "You get used  
to it."  
  
The conversation lulled, looking for a new topic. They kept  
walking, theater in sight a block away.  
  
"You've having fun tonight, right?" she asked, smiling.  
  
"Yeah, it's nice," Ryouga said. "I mean, I really never get  
a chance to talk with a friend."  
  
"Friend," Charlotte repeated, smile falling.  
  
"We're here," Ryouga said. "Okay... looks like 'True Lies'  
will be starting in a few minutes, or if you're interested in  
some animation, they've got 'Fist of the North Star'."  
  
"Any non-action movies? They have 'Sleepless in Seattle'."  
  
"That's a girl's film," Ryouga scowled.  
  
"Well, *I* happen to adore it," Charlotte humphed. "It's a  
sweet story."  
  
"It's boring."  
  
"What, you'd rather watch animated behemoths lose six times  
their body weight in blood?"  
  
"Beats mushy stuff," Ryouga said.  
  
*  
  
"I knew it!" Kunou said, grimacing behind his binoculars.   
"Look at them fight. She must secretly detest the fact that she  
is with someone the likes of Hibiki, yet cannot break the spell."  
  
"It's awful, I know," Victor said, feigning sadness. "The  
truth hurts. It's up to YOU, Kunou. Only you can keep her last  
night in Japan from being a total disaster. After all... lord  
knows what that Ryouga character was planning to do with her  
before the night was over..."  
  
"He wouldn't!" Kunou gaped.  
  
"You never know. Look at the way he's looking at her!"  
  
Kunou looked. "They're just arguing."  
  
"That's the first step. Don't you ever watch those police  
shows with domestic disputes? Arguing leads to... other things.   
Do you want such an object of beauty marred by Hibiki's poor  
dental work and arcane practices?"  
  
Kunou stood up, shaking with rage. "I, Blue Thunder shall  
liberate the golden haired one and crush Hibiki, in the name of  
good dates everywhere!" he shouted, holding his bokken high.   
Lightning crashed, backlighting him dramatically.  
  
"Yeah, you go do that. I'll be up on the roof watching,"  
Victor said. "Best of luck."  
  
Kunou stomped off, a determined gate keeping him at constant  
velocity. Victor finally let out that laugh he had been holding  
in all night. The MORON! He bought the entire story, hook line  
and SINKER. Charlotte'd be on the first plane out of here  
tommorow, with good 'ol Kunou making sure she doesn't get away  
because 'she's enchanted'. The lie worked.  
  
This was gonna be Fun with a capital F. Victor grabbed a  
drainpipe, and scaled the nearest building. Chaos was best  
observed from high altitudes, where you couldn't get hurt.  
  
*  
  
"...but how did they manage to light up the building like  
that in the end?" Ryouga asked. "I mean, that's just silly.   
Almost a plot device."  
  
"It's not supposed to be logical, it's supposed to be  
romantic," Charlotte said. "By the way, you can officially call  
this conversation a mistake, Ryouga. You'd better watch your  
mouth more if you want to succeed with your DEAR Akane."  
  
Charlotte spun around, angry. So much for Ryouga the  
hopeless romantic. Jerk. Hmph.  
  
"I..." Ryouga started, realizing where this was going.   
"Charlotte... I'm sorry. Really. It's just not my kind of  
movie, really... if I made you mad--"  
  
Charlotte turned around to continue arguing, only to have a  
kendo-shaped blur speed its way between the two of them. Kunou  
stopped, bokken drawn and ready.  
  
"Curse you, Hibiki!" he growled, fire burning in his eyes.   
"How DARE you violate an innocent maiden such as the golden  
haired one? I shall strike you down and rescue her!"  
  
Charlotte blinked. Did she miss an arrow on her chart?  
  
"What are you TALKING about, Kunou?" Ryouga asked, getting  
angry.  
  
"I was about to ask the same thing," Charlotte said. "I  
don't need to be rescued."  
  
"Hah! Her brother told me the whole story, about how you  
have enslaved her with some magical power," Kunou said. "How  
dare you take advantage of her like that? This is unforgivable,  
Hibiki!"  
  
Ryouga paused, midway through the motions of reaching for  
his umbrella. He reconsidered, eyes un-narrowing. "Ah, forget  
it. Charlotte, let's get inside before the movie's over. I'm  
not going to ruin our date by fighting this ignorant fool. I've  
had that happen too many times in the past to let it happen  
again."  
  
"Okay," Charlotte said, walking around from behind Kunou.   
"Any movie's fine with me. You pick."  
  
"If you want to see 'Sleepless in Seattle', we'll see it,"  
Ryouga said. "I don't mind. It'll be fun."  
  
"'Fist' isn't THAT bad," she said. "If you'd rather see  
that..."  
  
Kunou trembled in anger. Not only was Hibiki continuing to  
hold power over the golden haired one, he was IGNORING him!   
Tatewaki Kunou, the rising star of Furinkan High!  
  
Very well, if he dost wish to ignore me, I shall ignore him.   
Kunou grabbed Charlotte's arm, scooped her up and ran for it.   
Let's see how the rouge enjoys losing his night's quarry!  
  
"?" Charlotte said, as Kunou started to make a run for it,  
'rescuing' her from Ryouga.  
  
Ryouga blinked, as Kunou rapidly vanished. Vanished, with  
Charlotte. With his date. With HIS CHARLOTTE.  
  
His eyes flashed red, his teeth ground in anger. HOW DARE  
HE?!!? Ryouga broke into a flat-out run, trailing the kendo  
champion through the nighttime streets.  
  
*  
  
Hrm, Victor worried from his rooftop hiding place. Perhaps  
he went a little to far in Kunou's programming. He was running  
away with his sister in an attempt to keep Ryouga away from her!   
Not good. After all, Victor needed her before tonight's flight  
to France departed from the gate. Victor backed up, and launched  
into a run, skipping from rooftop to rooftop, trailing the two  
combatants. Best not let them get away.  
  
*  
  
"Kunou, what do you think you're doing?" Charlotte asked,  
skipping along the ground to keep up with his run.  
  
"I'm saving you from a fate worse than death, golden haired  
one."  
  
"My brother lied to you, Kunou. He's just using you to get  
back at me and bring me home!"  
  
"Fear not, golden haired one. I know your true wishes.   
Your brother said that you might claim something like that.   
Denial can be an ugly thing."  
  
Charlotte tried to twist around to see where Ryouga was.   
Certainly he didn't decide to abandon her? Or what if he did try  
to chase, and got lost... he could be gone for days...  
  
That ride to France is looking awfully assured, she thought  
in horror. I don't want to go home now! Not when my plans are  
almost ready to go! I can't leave Ryouga like this...  
  
"Do you have her?!" a voice called down from the rooftop.   
Charlotte looked up... brother dear. Always hiding up high, as  
usual, where you can't be touched.  
  
"Yes! We are victorious against Hibiki!" Kunou replied,  
continuing his jog.  
  
"Yeah, whatever, just remember the deal! Tokyo airport,  
tonight at ten. Make SURE she's there!!"  
  
"A deal is a deal! I believe we can stop running now."  
  
Kunou slowed to a stop, turning around to make sure Ryouga  
wasn't there. He was missing, lost somewhere in the chase. Lost  
forever, Charlotte thought, crestfallen.  
  
Kunou set Charlotte back on her feet. "There. I believe  
Ryouga has gotten himself lost, much to our benefit."  
  
"Exactly. You guys lost him a few blocks back," Victor  
called down, leaning on the rooftop edge. "I saw him turn and  
slam right through a building. Boom, collapse, and that was  
that. Nobody can run through solid brick and live. The  
airport's this way... I've prepurchased tickets--"  
  
"EXPLODING POINT TECHNIQUE!!!!" boomed a voice from inside  
the building Victor stood on, as the front collapsed in a massive  
explosion, roof caving in. Victor yelped and fell backwards into  
the rubble, as the dustcloud rose. Kunou quickly jumped in front  
of Charlotte to shield her from any debris.  
  
Kunou swiped at the dust cloud, bokken swinging wildly.   
"Who is the coward that hides behind dust? Show thyself!"  
  
The dust cleared. Ryouga stood in the center of the damage,  
unharmed, finger out in the exploding point technique position.   
He slowly, very slowly lowered his hand.  
  
"Hibiki," Kunou identified, adopting to a fighting stance.   
"Will you never give up? First Akane, and now the golden haired  
one? I could forgive you for being blinded by Akane's beauty,  
but for you to lust after one of high lineage is improper!"  
  
"Tatewaki Kunou," Ryouga addressed, in a steady tone. "YOU  
HAVE RUINED MY DATE..."  
  
A yellow glow formed around Ryouga, crawling around his skin  
and balling up between his now outstretched hands. The glow  
formed a perfect sphere, underlighting the face of Ryouga, a face  
beyond mere annoyance and all the way into the other side of  
depression. "Why won't everybody just GO AWAY, and LEAVE US  
ALONE? ROARING LION BULLET!!!!!"  
  
The yellow sphere exploded outward, slamming into Kunou with  
the force of a speeding New York taxi cab. Kunou was thrown  
backwards across the street, tumbling in the ki-winds. When the  
yellow beam finally faded away, a smoking path had been carved in  
the road, leading all the way to the Tatewaki-shaped hole in the  
wall.  
  
"Much better," Ryouga said, drained and limp. "Now... I  
think we still might be able to catch the movie..." He  
collapsed.  
  
"Ryouga!" Charlotte called, dashing over to catch him.   
Ryouga fell into her arms awkwardly, energy spent by the blast.  
  
Charlotte smiled. Well, one thing's for sure; he did know  
how to show a girl a good time. She propped him up, putting an  
arm around her, and started the long drag back to camp.  
  
END - Part 6  
(Closing theme : Lambada Ranma (acid burn mix))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	7. Closer

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 7  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
Plot update. Charlotte is about to start The Plan(tm).   
Nabiki found the campsite and The Plan(tm), but couldn't read  
french and couldn't figure out what was going to happen.   
Charlotte and Ryouga's test-date goes sour when Kunou (tricked  
into believing Ryouga had enchanted Charlotte) shows up looking  
for a fight. Ryouga tries to ignore him, but gets into a chase  
and finally manages to blast Kunou with a roaring lion bullet,  
ruining Victor's plan to get Charlotte out of Japan that night.   
He collapses, and Charlotte drags him back to camp.  
  
BTW, in case you're reading this out of a file, my address  
is gagne@locust.cic.net for commentary or questions. I'm  
archiving March of the Pigs at my web site, Spatula City.   
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/index.html under Aisle Two /  
March of the Pigs. Check out the Reznor 1/2 picture. :)  
  
-=-  
  
Ryouga awoke to the sound of boiling water. He gazed up...  
who took away the stars? What happened to the city?  
  
He sat up, eyes meeting the sights of his battered campsite.   
Charlotte glanced over from the instant ramen she was preparing.  
  
"Morning!" she beamed. "You passed out after toasting  
Kunou's rear, so I dragged you back here to sleep it off."  
  
"Ugh," Ryouga said. "That blast... that could possibly be  
the biggest one I've ever thrown. I hope you weren't hurt..."  
  
"I was fine," she said, shifting the noodles around to keep  
them from getting burned. "When your date starts glowing yellow,  
it's time to get out of the way, I always say."  
  
"Sorry I ruined the date..."  
  
"Nonsense. I'd say success with the Akane-date was  
vacuously proven true. If Kunou hadn't shown up, things would  
have worked out... and Kunou WON'T be showing up this time."  
  
Charlotte flashed several envelopes at Ryouga, pulled from  
up her sleeve in one swift motion. "Letters of challenge. Most  
of them, anyway. It varies according to person... to Ranma, it's  
an invitation to fight Victor, complete with enough insults to  
make sure he goes along with it. For Nabiki, it's a letter from  
Victor saying that he needs to meet with her, and has some yen  
enclosed as a sample. Kunou will be heading for a date with the  
pig-tailed girl and Victor himself will be going to meet Kunou,  
who supposedly has me ready to leave."  
  
"Where are they all going?"  
  
"Happy Fun World. Little down-at-the-heels amusement park.   
I picked it by location, really; it's miles away from here. Even  
if they realize it's a trap, it'll probably be too late to come  
back and stop you. Plus, I've gotten letters already delivered  
to Kodachi, Shampoo, Ukyou, and even Mousse to go there for  
similar reasons. I predict one massive slugfest, a lot of  
confusion, and absolutely nothing to stand in the way of you and  
Akane."  
  
"Wow," Ryouga said. "You've got it planned to a T, don't  
you?"  
  
"It's my art," she said. "Here, eat up. I have some last  
minute letters to deliver. I'll be by at nine AM sharp to guide  
you over to the Tendos, which should be surprisingly empty. Just  
ask Akane if she'd like to go get some food on this fine Sunday  
morning... nothing special. Take it from there. Be nice and  
courteous and show her you've got what it takes. And remember to  
TELL her you love her this time! Nobody'll interfere."  
  
"Okay... got it," Ryouga said, committing the instructions  
to memory. "And Charlotte?... thanks."  
  
"No problem," Charlotte said. She hopped over, gave him a  
quick peck on the cheek and dashed off into the woods, clutching  
her letters.  
  
Funny, what was that for? Ryouga wondered. He pulled his  
watch out of his pack, and counted the minutes until nine.  
  
*  
  
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS  
(musical insert : no music. Morning noises mostly)  
  
Ranma slept soundly, in his usual sprawled-out-all-over-the-  
place position on the floor. A window nearby slid open quietly,  
and an envelope drifted in from the morning air, fluttering its  
way to land in his mouth. He woke with a start, oxygen supply  
cut off. He yanked it out and opened it...  
  
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT  
  
Nabiki was already awake, doing her weekly ritual of income  
tracking. A few thousand yen from Kunou for pictures... various  
bets on fights... hmmm. She glanced over, and noticed an  
envelope someone had slid under the door. What could this be?   
She opened it up and read it, kanji sloppy but still readable...  
complete with Victor's signature and a small roll of yen.  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
Victor yawned, stretching. He had picked a posh hotel to  
use as his base of operations, but even a comfy-sleeper mattress  
couldn't work the kinks out of his back from last night. Damn  
that Hibiki! Buford was bad enough, but she had to side with  
someone that could destroy BUILDINGS?! He'd need someone  
stronger than Kunou if he wanted to get Charlotte back home at  
this rate. He noticed the red light on his phone blinking... had  
someone left him a message at the front desk?  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
Charlotte glanced at the final envelope. Kunou wasn't  
really as big of a risk as the others, but with Sasuke, she'd  
never be 100% sure that the date would go off with nobody  
noticing. This letter should finalize it, though. After all,  
the pig-tailed girl wanted Sasuke along too, and Kunou would do  
whatever the pig-tailed girl wanted... she slid the note under  
the door of the Kunou mansion, and was surprised to see it pulled  
from her hand... the door opened...  
  
"Golden haired one!" Kunou gasped. "Quick, in here before  
Hibiki sees you!"  
  
Charlotte was yanked in, and the door shut.  
  
PART 7 : CLOSER  
  
*  
  
Ryouga looked at his watch. It was nine thirty. Charlotte  
was late.  
  
What should he do? If he tried to go to the Tendo dojo by  
himself, he might never arrive. If he waited too long, Ranma and  
the others might make it back from the meeting place and  
interrupt things.  
  
He had no choice. He had to try to find the dojo by  
himself. It was either that or lose his one chance to see Akane.   
He uttered a silent prayer to whatever gods of lost things found  
again there were, and took the first step...  
  
*  
  
Ranma didn't get it. If Victor wanted a rematch, why would  
he pick such an out of the way location? Ranma had to get a taxi  
to bring him here, spending quite a bit of his money in the  
process. He would have let it slide, if it weren't for the  
various cracks in the letter about not being 'man enough' to face  
Victor. He was gonna PAY for that.  
  
Happy Fun World was barely populated. Ranma counted three  
tourists, max, plus maybe five ride attendees. It was one of  
those amusement parks that took the amuse out of amusing, and  
just concentrated on spinning you around fast enough to encourage  
projectile vomiting. At least nobody'd be around to get hurt by  
accident, Ranma thought.  
  
Ranma wandered over to the appointed fighting place... right  
next the cotton candy machine, according to the letter. No  
Victor. Did he chicken out? Or was he lost, like that cretin  
Ryouga always was?  
  
"Ranma?" Nabiki asked, peeking from the other side of the  
cotton candy machine. "What're you doing out here?"  
  
"Nabiki?"  
  
"Me, yes."  
  
"I'm supposed to be fighting Victor," he said. "Apparently  
he wants a rematch after I pounded him a few days ago."  
  
"Fight? He's supposed to be meeting me here to discuss some  
information exchange," Nabiki said. "He was pretty vague in his  
letter... I guess he changed his mind about hiring me as a  
consultant."  
  
"What is the full story with him, anyway?" Ranma asked.   
"He's been really vague whenever I saw him too. Just something  
about catching his sister, for some reason."  
  
"He's from a wealthy fr..." Nabiki started. No; wait. He  
tricked her into signing that contract, she thought, pulling it  
out of a pocket on her shirt. Best not let Ranma know too much.  
  
Wait. Something was wrong.  
  
"Ranma, let me see your letter," Nabiki said, plucking the  
challenge letter from Ranma's hand and examining it. The  
signature matched the letter she had received today. No problems  
there.  
  
"Maybe I'll hold off annihilating the twerp," Ranma said.   
"I've got some questions to ask him first."  
  
"Something's wrong here..." Nabiki mused, trying to figure  
out what was striking her as odd about the letters. Odd.  
  
"Anybody seen Kunou?" Victor said, approaching the two from  
the ferris wheel. "We were supposed to be meeting here tACKK--"  
  
"Start talking," Ranma said, holding Victor against the  
candy machine. "What's going on here? Why'd you invite me AND  
Nabiki out to this place?"  
  
"I... ugh... didn't invite either of you," he said. "What's  
going on?"  
  
"Odd... the 'o's don't match," Nabiki said. "The contract  
signature isn't the same... but I'm here, and Ranma, and Victor,  
and Kunou's supposed to... the plan!"  
  
"What plan?" Ranma asked, keeping Victor from squirming  
away.  
  
"Ranma, I think we'd better--"  
  
"THERE YOU ARE!" Mousse shouted, diving down from the top of  
the ferris wheel. "How dare you claim Shampoo to your own,  
Ranma?!"  
  
"What?!" Ranma blurted, confusion mounting.  
  
"I got your letter," Mousse said, pulling out an identical  
envelope. "You have no right to send out wedding invitations to  
the marriage of Shampoo and Ranma! Shampoo is MY bride!"  
  
"What is the meaning of this, Ranma?" Ukyou said, waving  
another letter in the air (along with her spatula) as she rushed  
to join the others. "My letter says the same thing! How could  
you marry her when you're engaged to me?"  
  
"You've got some explaining to do, Ranma," Kodachi said,  
ribbon whipping around Ranma's arm and pulling him over to her.   
"I thought you and I were meant for each other, sweetums!"  
  
"Hey, wait a minute--" Ranma started, before being knocked  
aside by the flat of a giant spatula.  
  
"He's engaged to ME," Ukyou said, stepping in the space  
Ranma was occupying.  
  
Ding-a-ling-ding! A bicycle fell out of the sky, landing on  
Ranma's already battered form. "Ranma! I so happy you decide to  
marry Shampoo!" Shampoo squealed, hopping off her bike.  
  
"If he's marrying anyone, it's going to be ME," Ukyou said,  
grabbing Shampoo's handlebars and lifting the bike off of Ranma.  
  
"Ranma already sent letter saying he marrying Shampoo,"  
Shampoo said. "You want him, you fight me!"  
  
"Sounds fine with me," Ukyou said, pushing her sleeve up  
(the traditional tough-guy pose).  
  
The brawl started.  
  
*  
  
Ryouga opened his eyes.  
  
He made it!  
  
The Tendo dojo! He found it on his own! It could only be  
the spirit of true love guiding him. Either that or he was  
lucky, the one moment of luck he'd ever had. He cheerfully  
opened the door and entered.  
  
"Where is Akane Tendo?" he demanded.  
  
"I'm right here," Akane said, pulling on her coat. "Have  
you seen Ranma? Or Nabiki. I was just heading out to look for  
them."  
  
"Ummm... yeah. Nabiki and Ranma. Umm. I think they're on  
a date," Ryouga lied. UGH! Bad line, he thought. Surely I  
could have thought of something better than that to tell her?!  
  
"A what?" Akane asked. "Ranma's... DATING my sister?"  
  
"Well, not re--"  
  
"That idiot!" she growled. "Humph. Well, if he wants her,  
he can have her. Jerk."  
  
"Err, Akane..."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Do you want to go get something to eat?" Ryouga blurted,  
stepping back to avoid Akane's blows of rage.  
  
None were coming. "Alright. I guess I've got nothing else  
to do right now. Let's go."  
  
Akane walked out the door, past Ryouga. Ryouga blinked. It  
worked! He was finally on a date with his beloved Akane!   
Skipping with joy, he ambled out the door, towards his destiny.  
  
*  
  
"I'm not hungry," Charlotte said, pushing the bowl away.  
  
"But dear, you must be famished, what with Hibiki treating  
you to lower-class fast food last night," Kunou said.  
  
"For land's sakes, Kunou, I was dating him of my own free  
will!" Charlotte complained. "There's no need to keep me here, I  
can make decisions for myself."  
  
"I am afraid I cannot let a delicate flower such as you be  
recaptured by that fool Hibiki," Kunou said. "He has bested me  
once, but not again. If he wishes to steal you away, he must get  
through me to do it."  
  
"Kunou, I'm late for a VERY IMPORTANT date," Charlotte said.   
"I've got to get going. Can you please unlock the door?"  
  
"It is for the best, golden haired one. Once I get through  
to your brother, you may return to your home country with him and  
forget this Ryouga nonsense. Now eat up. Kodachi didn't make  
it, it's quite healthy and good for you."  
  
Charlotte sulked. Well, at least Kunou wouldn't be nagging  
Ryouga on his date. I've succeeded, she thought. Ryouga,  
wherever you are... I hope you're happy.  
  
Now she'd be lugged back to France, back to boring home life  
locked in her room while mom and daddums look for a cure to her  
'curse'. Exchanging a lifetime of her misery for a lifetime of  
Ryouga's joy. Well... it was an even trade, all things  
considered.  
  
The door burst open, lock snapping.  
  
Kunou whipped around, lit by the beam of light that flooded  
the dining room from the broken door. A massive man cast his  
shadow along the room, a shadow topped by a cut, singed and  
otherwise battered cowboy hat.  
  
"You okay, Charlotte?" he asked.  
  
"Fine, Buford!" she grinned, applaud. "I'm glad to see you  
again!"  
  
"Who is this that DARES to break into the Kunou mansion?!"  
Kunou demanded. "Speak thy name!"  
  
"S'Buford," he grunted. "I believe you've got a friend of  
mine there. We'll just be going now."  
  
"Hibiki sent you, more likely than not," Kunou said, raising  
his bokken. "I shall strike you down before you take her!   
Defend yourself!"  
  
Buford charged, the speed of the boar behind him. Kunou  
picked up velocity as well, covering the long dining room in a  
matter of moments. It was a game of chicken, each on two legs  
instead of four wheels.  
  
Buford dove under, cutting Kunou off at the knees and  
sliding to a halt. Kunou skidded fifteen feet on his face,  
eventually smashing in a ming vase (price : $150,000).  
  
"Hoser," Buford said, giving Kunou's form the finger.   
"Boars don't attack high. Oughtta know that. Alright, let's get  
moving."  
  
"How'd you get here?" she asked, hopping out of her chair.  
  
"I've been tailing you for the last few hours," he said. "I  
dunno, I guess I kinda felt bad about ditching you like that,  
especially in a town of psychos like HIM. I headed back here to  
make sure you were okay, and let you know I had come back...  
'cept I didn't really want to let you know... pride and all..."  
  
"I understand," she said. "And I'm sorry too, Buford. I  
haven't been treating you fairly lately. You've always been  
there to make sure I don't get caught. I want to thank you for  
that..."  
  
"Thanks are for later. If I recall, you were trying to get  
Ryouga going on a date?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Good. I think he'd be interested in this too. I found a  
cure for Jusenkyo curses."  
  
*  
  
Ranma's world was spinning. Let's see... first he was  
grabbed by Kodachi, twisting his arm, then Ukyou hit him, then he  
was biked by Shampoo... then the three girls started fighting  
over him, grabbing and pulling him around... Mousse started  
pounding him, then Shampoo pounded Mousse for doing it... just  
black from there on.  
  
Life was never easy for Ranma.  
  
"You okay, Ranma?" Nabiki asked, waving some cotton candy  
under his nose. Mmmm... candy...  
  
"Sorta," he said, trying not to move. "Did I win?"  
  
"No. Actually, the fight's still going on. Victor and I  
managed to drag you out of it. I'd better warn you, all of those  
letters were forged."  
  
"Sister dear never did master my o's," Victor said, waving a  
false letter around. "Go figure."  
  
"I saw a plan at Ryouga's campsite. It had something to do  
with keeping us away while Ryouga and Akane did something."  
  
"What?" Ranma asked. "Who?"  
  
"Ryouga and Akane. Are you sure you're fine?"  
  
"Oh no!" Ranma gasped. "He couldn't be..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He's dating her!"  
  
*  
  
"Are you okay, Akane?" Ryouga asked, as Akane wolfed down  
her third cup of noodles.  
  
"I'm fine," she said. "Just... angry at that Ranma."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll punish him later. For now, just try to  
enjoy the afternoon air," Ryouga suggested. "It is a nice day,  
after all."  
  
Akane nodded between mouthfuls. Ryouga was puzzled. The  
date was going... but it wasn't much of a date. She was eating  
and they talked a bit, sure, but it wasn't TALKING talking. He  
shouldn't have goofed that line to explain where Ranma was.   
Akane was too angry to have fun.  
  
Maybe if I stepped things up, she'd have more fun, Ryouga  
thought. She'd be able to forget about Ranma. "Say, Akane, I  
hear that 'Sleepless in Seattle' is playing at the theater.   
Would you like to go?"  
  
"Why not?" Akane said. "You lead the way."  
  
Ryouga panicked.  
  
"On second thought, I'll lead the way," Akane said.  
  
"PSST!" pssted a voice from behind Ryouga. "Yoo hoo! It's  
Charlotte! How's the date going?"  
  
"Err... you start heading there, Akane, I'll catch up in a  
minute," Ryouga said. Akane nodded and walked off, slowly so  
Ryouga would be sure to find her.  
  
"I don't know," Ryouga whispered to the plant behind him.   
"It's okay, but not really... working."  
  
Charlotte nodded from behind the leaves. "Have faith,  
Ryouga. You're a sweet guy, she'll see that. Buford's back, by  
the way. He said he found a cure for the curse!"  
  
"He did?!" Ryouga asked, jaw slack.  
  
"Yeah! This blue soap. It's supposedly waterproof!"  
  
Ryouga drooped. "No... we've tried that. It only works  
once. It--"  
  
A taxi pulled up next to the cafe, door opening. Ryouga  
ignored it. "It wears off, just like all the other cures. I'd  
better go catch up with Akane."  
  
"RYOUGA!" Ranma called, jumping out of the cab and grabbing  
Ryouga by the shirt. "What do you think you're doing?!"  
  
"R..ranma?" Ryouga asked, scared witless.  
  
"Yeah, me! What's the deal you and that girl have going?   
Why'd you lure everybody we knew out of town?"  
  
"How did you... how did you know?"  
  
"Faked handwriting," Victor said, helping Nabiki out of the  
cab and settling the bill with the cabbie. "Don't think I can't  
see you behind that silly bit of greenery, little sister. You  
can come on out now."  
  
Charlotte peeked around the potted plant. "Damn. I knew I  
should have spent more time practicing your signature... look,  
I'm sorry I had to trick everybody, but if you could all please  
move off to the side, I promised Ryouga this date would go off  
without a hitch--"  
  
"So I WAS right," Ranma said, setting Ryouga down. "Well,  
Ryouga, I've ruined your dates before and I can do it again. If  
you thought that for one minute I'd let you do this to Akane--"  
  
"RANMA!!!" Akane screamed, charging. Ryouga wisely got out  
of the way as Akane landed a resounding SLAP!!!! across Ranma's  
face.  
  
Ranma reeled under the force of the blow, fighting to stay  
on his feet.  
  
"Ryouga told me how you decided to go out on a date with  
Nabiki," Akane said, fuming. "If you want to be her fiancee  
again, be my guest and don't expect me to pay you again."  
  
"What?" Ranma asked, rubbing his cheek. "Ryouga! You KNOW  
I was doing no such thing."  
  
Ryouga didn't respond. He was beyond words, watching the  
carefully planned date collapse around him. How could this  
happen? So close... so much closer to what he wanted, and once  
again the rug was yanked out...  
  
"Actually, sister, it was her who planned this," Nabiki  
said, pointing to Charlotte. "She got everybody out of town so  
that Ryouga could ask you out on a date."  
  
"We're not ON a date, Nabiki. He just offered to buy me  
lunch and a movie."  
  
"That's the definition, dear," Victor said. "Don't worry,  
little sister does infantile stuff like this all the time. You  
get used to it."  
  
Ryouga stood there, hunched over slightly. He couldn't  
escape it. One way or another, fate did not want him and Akane  
together. It was obvious that he was doomed to the misery of  
never, ever being with her...  
  
A yellow glow started to form around Ryouga as his  
depression mounted. Charlotte yeeked and grabbed Ryouga, pulling  
him behind the plant.  
  
"Look, before you reach critical mass, I gotta ask you  
something," she said, pulling a plastic disc out of her dress  
pocket. "Do you really love Akane?"  
  
"Yes," Ryouga said through the haze of his own feelings.  
  
"You want to be with her?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Forever and ever?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You want this with all your heart?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"You love her more than me?"  
  
"Yes. Huh? I mean--"  
  
"Alright," she said. "Then we go with the backup plan."  
  
Charlotte stood Ryouga up in front of her, maneuvered around  
the four arguing kids and took aim. With a mighty shove, she  
pushed Ryouga into the fray, bumping him against Akane.  
  
She popped the mirror open, aiming the silver glass at the  
two. She looked away, and tapped the back of the mirror.  
  
"Goodbye, Ryouga," she said as the white light flooded the  
cafe.  
  
When the light had passed and the spots cleared everybody's  
eyes, Akane and Ryouga were gone.  
  
END - Part 7  
(Closing theme : light piano music)  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	8. Further Away.

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
Part 8  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
We're near the end, folks!  
  
Okay. Here's the deal. Charlotte wrote little invitation  
letters to try and keep most of the population of Furinkan away  
from Akane and Ryouga, trusting Ryouga's natural charm to carry  
it off. However, Kunou grabbed her and kept her hostage before  
she could tag along on the date. Ryouga somehow finds the dojo,  
and when Akane asks where Ranma and Nabiki went, he accidentally  
says they're on a date. Akane is pissed and agrees to go out  
with Ryouga, although not for the right reasons.  
  
Nabiki and Victor drag Ranma away from the unavoidable bar-  
room-brawl that the meeting spot turns into. Meanwhile, Buford  
shows up again and kicks Kunou's ass, rescuing Charlotte. He  
apologizes for ditching her, she apologizes for treating him like  
a pet, and that's that. Charlotte arrives to see how the date's  
going just as Ranma arrives... things fall apart. Majorly.  
  
Charlotte resorts to her backup plan, using a mirror (a  
family heirloom) and now, Akane and Ryouga are missing in  
action...  
  
-=-  
  
(note : no beefed up action packed credits here, just simple  
white titles on black background. No music.)  
  
Rec.arts.anime.stories Presents  
In association with Fanfiction We'd Like to See and Nothing/TVT  
Ranma 1/2 :  
March of the Pigs  
  
Part 8 : Further Away.  
  
-=-  
  
The crowd in front of the cafe stared in silence. Where  
Akane and Ryouga were was two wisps of mist, rapidly mixing in  
with the air and disappearing. Soon they were gone.  
  
Charlotte was still standing, pocket mirror outstretched and  
pointed where the couple used to be. She relaxed, closing the  
mirror and pocketing it.  
  
"It is done," she said. "I feel... better now."  
  
"What's done?" Ranma asked. "What did you do? WHAT DID YOU  
DO WITH AKANE?"  
  
"They're gone, obviously," she said. "Ryouga said he wanted  
to be with her forever. If that's what Ryouga wanted, that's  
what he got. I'll miss him."  
  
"FOREVER?!" Ranma yelled.  
  
"Ranma... calm down, we'll get her back..." Nabiki said.  
  
"Sister... tell me that's not what I think it is," Victor  
said. "Tell me you did NOT swipe the ban-nan mirror from mum's  
dresser. The one that has been in the family for generations..."  
  
"Of course I did," she said. "I figured if I couldn't  
escape you, I'd just slip away with it and not come back. I  
meant it when I said I wasn't going back home, Victor, one way or  
another."  
  
"A nan-ban mirror?" Ranma asked. "But nobody cried on  
it..."  
  
"A BAN-NAN mirror," Charlotte corrected. "It works  
differently. If a female from my family touches the back of the  
mirror, whoever it's aimed at is sent off."  
  
"Where?" Ranma asked. "WHERE did they go?"  
  
*  
  
Ryouga looked up from his Grisham novel, blinded momentarily  
by the island sun. He looked around.  
  
It was... no, it couldn't be. How did he end up in one of  
his own dreams? What happened?  
  
"Akane?" he called, glancing around the beach. "AKANE!"  
  
"I'm right here, Ryouga," she said, in the chair next to  
his. "Although... I have no idea where here is..."  
  
"Neither do I," he said. "I remember Charlotte pushing  
me... and a light... and boom."  
  
The waves lapped against the shore, the foam receding back  
every few seconds.  
  
"Ryouga, what's going on?"  
  
"It's... complicated," Ryouga said, eyeing the water  
nervously. "Look, Akane, I really should have said this  
before... I just never had the guts to, and when I did something  
always got in the way, but there's nobody here to argue or yell  
or hit each other, so..."  
  
Ryouga took a deep breath. "I love you, Akane."  
  
Akane's eyes wobbled. Huh? Why was Ryouga saying this?  
  
"I knew it from the day I saw you, back when I was fighting  
Ranma over that ridiculous bread deal. I tried to tell you  
before, really, but with all the chaos and mayhem that breaks out  
on a daily basis at your school, I've never been able to..."  
  
"Is that what this was all about?" Akane asked, razor's edge  
entering her voice. "Is that what you and that blonde girl were  
planning? Getting everybody out of town just so you could go out  
on a... DATE with me?"  
  
"Yeah. Akane, no, I'm sorry, but you need to realize that I  
wouldn't have done it if I thought there was any other way!   
Please, don't hit me!"  
  
"How could you be so inconsiderate?" she asked. "Using  
tricks and lies to be alone with me? Claiming Nabiki was dating  
Ranma? Luring Ranma, MY fiancee into a trap to be thrashed while  
you could take me around town?"  
  
Ryouga sulked. He was going to get hit, he was going to arc  
into the water, and that would be that. She may hate me now, but  
she'll despise me later. Even when given a chance to be with her  
forever, he screwed things u--  
  
"Oh no!" he exclaimed, eyes growing wide. "It can't be!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Charlotte... the blonde girl... she asked me before we got  
here if I really loved you, and wanted to be with you forever...  
I said yes... and she said that mirror was magic..."  
  
"You mean... we're stuck here? Forever?"  
  
"I think so," Ryouga said, sinking in his chair. "I didn't  
know THIS would happen. Really. I had nothing but good  
intentions, Akane... I really do love you..."  
  
"Good," she said. "Because I HATE YOU!"  
  
The fist smashed under his jaw, and Ryouga shot into the  
sky, up and over the rest of the island behind Akane. She heard  
a distant splash.  
  
"I HATE YOU!" she called again, tumbling out of her chair  
and sobbing on the sand.  
  
*  
  
"Alright, all of you back off and give the lady some room  
here," Buford said, keeping the pack at arm's length. "She's a  
bit broken up, if you didn't notice, so let's all calm down and  
talk rational, okay?"  
  
"Calm down?" Ranma gagged. "She just banished Akane to  
another dimension! I am NOT calm about that?"  
  
"Get calm or I'll MAKE you calm," Buford said, waving a  
helpful fist near Ranma's face.  
  
"Please, there's no need to get violent," Victor said. "We  
just need to have little sister ban-nan us over to Ryouga's dream  
world and get your precious spine-crushing Akane out of there.   
Very easy. Then I'll head back to France and we'll call it a  
day."  
  
"I'm not sending anyone else there," Charlotte said,  
crossing her arms. "And you can't activate the mirror. Only a  
female of our line. Ryouga and Akane are staying put."  
  
"Why on earth do you think those two belong together?" Ranma  
said. "I mean, come ON!"  
  
"Ryouga loves her," Charlotte said. "I can see that. He  
always has. He deserves someone like her. Besides, it's not as  
if YOU love her."  
  
"..." Ranma said, pausing in his accusatory stance.  
  
"Come on, I see how you fight and insult each other. Why  
haven't you two just broken off the engagement if you don't like  
each other? It's not like arranged marriages are common. You  
can claim coercion and annul or something like that."  
  
"..." Ranma added.  
  
"She's only got four major suitors. Kunou's a jerk, so he's  
not acceptable. Gosunkuji's okay, but is mostly a head over  
heels type who doesn't know what he's getting into. You call her  
uncute and abuse her at every turn. Ryouga is a nice, caring  
person who appreciates Akane for what she is. Process of  
elimination, you lose."  
  
"She's got you there," Nabiki shrugged, finding a good place  
to enter the conversation.  
  
"Well... we do have some problems, granted... but that's no  
reason to do what you did!" Ranma said, rushing Charlotte. A  
large hand blocked his way.  
  
"I warned you, Saotome," Buford said.  
  
"Don't bother, Buford," Charlotte said. "He doesn't hit  
girls. I'm fine."  
  
"You sure about that?" Buford said, keeping his hand  
upraised.  
  
"Positive."  
  
"I wasn't going to hit her," Ranma said, backing off.   
"Look, Mr. Tendo is going to go into conniptions if I come home  
and say that his daughter has been sent to another universe.   
Please send me over with the mirror to get her back for him."  
  
"Not a good enough reason," Charlotte said.  
  
"I'll pay you," Nabiki suggested, knowing full well it  
wouldn't work. Charlotte shook her head.  
  
"I'll drag you back to France if you don't," Victor said.  
  
"I'll beat you into the pavement if you try," Buford said,  
pushing a sleeve up.  
  
"I'd go," Charlotte said. "I'd go back home before I'd let  
anybody interfere with them. Now, does anybody have any other  
reasons?"  
  
"Kunou would be unhappy?" Ranma tried.  
  
"Good for him. He deserves a bad turn after the mess he  
made of our date."  
  
"You dated Ryouga?" Nabiki asked.  
  
"Of course," Charlotte said. "Had to make sure today's date  
would work. It would have, if it wasn't for you fellows.   
Ryouga's a charming, intelligent, kind man who deserves more than  
the punishment you deal out on him, Saotome. I'm doing this  
because I care enough about him not to have him live in the hell  
he exists in now. You know what he was like when I found him?   
Depressed. Angsty. Nearly suicidal. These last few days have  
probably been the happiest he's ever had in his life... and I  
guess the future ones will be just as happy. It would take quite  
a reason to get me to use this mirror again and disturb him."  
  
Ranma considered this. He was backed into a corner. No way  
out now...  
  
"Alright," he said. "You want a reason? I got a reason. I  
love Akane too. There, I've said it. I hope you're happy."  
  
*  
  
Akane was on page 11 and finding it harder to concentrate.   
The novel was an easy read... a novel adaptation of a movie  
adaptation from a novel. Julia was already on her third hairdo  
change. Still, she had more pressing things pressing her mind.  
  
Ryouga no baka... why'd he have to get her into this mess?   
Why'd he have to be such a love-starved fool to get her trapped  
on a desert island with him for eternity... sigh.  
  
Well, he does like me, she thought. You can't hate him for  
that. You can hate him for how he chose to express it, but not  
for what he is. Unrequited love was a horrible thing... Dr.  
Tofu, for example. Akane remembered how broken up she was after  
that.  
  
I'd better go talk to him, she thought, setting the pulp  
novel down on her chair. She calculated where on the island he  
probably landed, and started walking through the light jungle  
that comprised the center of the island.  
  
*  
  
"You serious?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"Of course I'm serious! You don't say things like that  
without being serious. That's my reason. If that's not reason  
enough, then I can't think of what could be."  
  
"I don't get it. If you love her, what's up with the  
fighting?"  
  
"That's just what we do," he said. "It was like that from  
day one and it'll always be like that. Doesn't mean anything. I  
don't think I could live with her stuck in some warped figment of  
Ryouga's imagination. Dad would pound me, Mr. Tendo would crack,  
everybody would beat me up and I would feel really lousy too  
without her."  
  
"What about her? What does she think about you?" Charlotte  
asked.  
  
"I... I'm not sure. I'm guessing it's mutual, but hard to  
see through the fighting and the yelling and the bickering,"  
Ranma said. "I know for a fact though that she doesn't give a  
flying flop about Ryouga."  
  
"Ranma!"  
  
"I'm serious. She's friends with him, sure, but she's never  
considered him anything more than that. Sure, she might be  
touched to hear what he really feels, but I just don't see an  
eternal love between the two. He's not her type."  
  
"You don't know that. They could learn to love each other."  
  
"And if they don't?" Ranma asked. "They're eating coconuts  
for the rest of their lives when they could be looking for other  
people, or watching movies, or seeing friends or whatever. You  
don't have any right to take that away from them."  
  
"You mind not badgering her?" Buford said. "It's been a  
hard day--"  
  
"Buford. Buddy. I know you're sorry about ditching me and  
are feeling pretty protective right now," Charlotte said, "But  
can it, please. I'm talking with Ranma. So what do you want me  
to do about it, Saotome?"  
  
"At least give me a chance to go in there and see how  
they're doing," Ranma said. "If she's actually happy with  
Ryouga... we'll leave them there."  
  
"Ranma!" Nabiki gasped. "You can't do that!"  
  
"I'll face my beatings with a smile if that's the case,"  
Ranma said. "I'm just hoping it's not."  
  
"Alright. A chance I can do," Charlotte said. "Buford,  
stay here and make sure Victor doesn't flee. Nabiki, wait until  
we're back before telling your dad any of this. We've got a date  
in someone's imagination."  
  
Charlotte slid over to Ranma, and pulled out the ban-nan  
mirror. "You might want to close your eyes," she said, tapping  
the mirror. The light flooded the sidewalk... and the two were  
gone, mists on the breeze.  
  
*  
  
"Ryouga-kun?" Akane called lightly, through the jungle  
opening.  
  
She walked out, looking around the opposite beach for him.   
There were some wet footprints... and some animal tracks, for  
some reason... but no Ryouga.  
  
"Sorry I hit you," she offered weakly. "I was just angry,  
that's all. I won't pound you this time."  
  
"Promise?" a quiet voice spoke from somewhere on the beach.  
  
"Promise."  
  
Ryouga popped out from behind a boulder, wet and a bit foamy  
from the surf. "Akane..."  
  
"Me first. I had no idea, Ryouga, really. If you had told  
me earlier... preferably without the quaint forced island  
setting... I probably would have taken it better."  
  
"I tried," he said. "Quite a few times. I just never had  
enough luck. Remember last christmas? When Nabiki managed to  
sell Ranma to Kodachi, Ukyou and Shampoo?"  
  
Akane winced. "Yeah, I remember."  
  
"Well, I knew that we were going to be exchanging presents  
that day... I had picked you out a locket. No, really. It  
wasn't much, barely gold by any jeweler's opinion, but it was all  
I could afford. I was going to tell you then..."  
  
"...but I just ran past you," Akane remembered. "Umm.   
Sorry, Ryouga."  
  
"It's alright. I've experienced worse," he said. "You  
really deserve better than Ranma, Akane. He's rude, obnoxious,  
violent and generally not a nice guy. I love you, Akane, which  
is better than you can expect from HIM."  
  
"Ranma's not THAT bad," Akane said, sitting down on a rock.   
"Well, he's a pain in the fanny sometimes and can be rude, but  
that's just because he's a male pig."  
  
Ryouga panicked momentarily, but quickly resumed a normal  
face. "Go on," he urged.  
  
"He's okay. Nice, really, when he wants to be. Just that  
from day one we've argued, and that pattern just stuck... I do  
like him... a lot..."  
  
"Do you like me?" Ryouga asked.  
  
"Of course, Ryouga!" she said.  
  
"Really?" he asked, eyes widening.  
  
"Yes, really. Just not in th--"  
  
The beach filled with light, blinding the two. Ryouga fell  
off his rock and into the sea foam. The light receded, leaving  
Ranma and Charlotte standing in the dunes.  
  
"Akane!" Ranma called. "Are you alright?"  
  
"RANMA!" Akane shouted, joyed. She ran over to him, arms  
out, and stopped as soon as she realized what she was doing.   
"Umm... how'd you get here?"  
  
"I'm giving him a chance," Charlotte said, folding the  
mirror. "Get to it, loverboy."  
  
"Loverboy?" Akane asked.  
  
"I just wanted to ask," Ranma said, ignoring the comment,  
"Are you happy here with Ryouga? Is this want you want?"  
  
"Yes she is!" Ryouga said, pulling himself back up on the  
rock. "I heard her say it. Go on, Akane, tell him."  
  
"Well... Ryouga's nice... but... I'm sorry, Ryouga, I just  
don't love you back in the same way."  
  
Ryouga's face fell.  
  
"Don't take that the wrong way," Akane weakly offered.  
  
"But... you said you liked me..."  
  
"I do, Ryouga. Just not like that. You're one of Ranma's  
only friends, and a nice guy, really--"  
  
"Friend?" Ryouga asked. "FRIEND? RANMA'S FRIEND? THE MAN  
WHO'S TAKEN YOU FROM ME? I DON'T THINK SO!"  
  
Ryouga pulled his trusty umbrella out of his pack, eyes  
blazing with fire.  
  
"Err.. Ryouga... you might want to calm down before you  
prove fusion power is possible again..." Charlotte said.  
  
"Ranma, at every turn you've been in the way. First bread,  
then at Jusenkyo, then with Akane. Revenge will not want a  
single moment longer!"  
  
"Jusenkyo?" Akane asked, confused.  
  
"Ryouga, I don't want to fight you, not here," Ranma said.   
"Let's get back to reality, then we can talk this out--"  
  
"I'm through talking!" Ryouga shouted, slamming the umbrella  
point into the ground, which depressed into a crater six feet  
across.  
  
"Is the sky darkening, or is it just me?" Charlotte asked,  
growing quite nervous.  
  
"She may never love me, but it'll be a cold day in hell  
before she'll have someone the likes of you! DEFEND YOURSELF!"  
Ryouga screamed, charging.  
  
"Akane! Charlotte! Get out of the way!" Ranma shouted,  
pushing Akane into the clear as Ryouga charged in, slamming his  
umbrella against Ranma's jaw. Ranma shot backwards four feet,  
falling into a spiralling abyss.  
  
"Hey, when did that get there?" Charlotte asked, pointing to  
the hole. Ryouga ignored her and dove in after him.  
  
"Where did they go?" Akane asked.  
  
"Uh-oh," Charlotte said, examining the hole. "I forgot.   
This whole island is part of Ryouga's imagination... an  
imagination which he still has some control over..."  
  
"Which means..."  
  
"Saotome's in for a lot of trouble," Charlotte concluded.  
  
END - Part 8  
(Closing theme : March of the Pigs (Intro Only))  
  
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko  
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and  
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.  
 


	9. Nothing Can Stop Me Now

Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs  
  
Part 9 (final)  
  
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne  
  
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever  
  
even considered claiming that these were my own characters  
  
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced  
  
to eat my own legs to live.)  
  
-=-  
  
And here I was thinking part eight would be the end. This  
  
is it, though, folks. See the end of the story for series wrap-  
  
up info and thanks. I could extend this to a ten parter and make  
  
for a nice round number, but there are only nine halos, and I've  
  
been keeping this silly nin pun going so far...  
  
To recap; Charlotte banished Ryouga and Akane into a  
  
dimension based on Ryouga's imagination so they could be alone  
  
together forever. Ranma admits he loves Akane, and Charlotte  
  
decides to give him one chance to see if Akane wants to return.   
  
Ryouga accepts that Akane doesn't love him, but vows to destroy  
  
Saotome to keep him from ending up with her. The two jump into a  
  
hole in Ryouga's mind, which leads them somewhere... darker...  
  
-=-  
  
"This is partly why the family doesn't use the ban-nan  
  
mirror anymore," Charlotte explained. "Sure, it makes for good  
  
picnics and weekend escapes, but in the wrong hands... say,  
  
Victor's... it can be extremely hazardous."  
  
"Can Ryouga really kill Ranma here?" Akane asked. "I mean,  
  
this is just a dream, right?"  
  
Charlotte pinched Akane.  
  
"OW!"  
  
"There are dreams and then there are dreams," Charlotte  
  
said. "I get the feeling that Ranma's really in for it this  
  
time. I've seen what Ryouga can do when he's mad or depressed...  
  
I hate to think how powerful he's going to be without the  
  
restrictions of the physical world."  
  
"We've got to do something!" Akane said. "I'm not just  
  
going to stand by and let Ranma get killed!"  
  
"Ditto. Ryouga could crush his own brain if he overexerts  
  
himself. I figure if he tries a roaring lion whatsit in here,  
  
it'll toast everything, including him and us."  
  
"So what do we do?" Akane asked.  
  
Charlotte thought. "Well..." she pointed to the hole.  
  
"You mean... go in there?" Akane asked, looking at the  
  
downwardly spiraling trench of Ryouga's hatred. Hideous, half  
  
formed nightmares lurked there, the thoughts you tried to keep  
  
hidden from everybody, including yourself...  
  
(Soundtrack note : Mixes of various songs are needed here to  
  
enhance the mood... remove the lyrics and take the hard  
  
parts of Burn, Closer to God (coil remix) and Eraser for  
  
instance. One particular song won't do it... yet.)  
  
RANMA 1/2 :  
  
MARCH OF THE PIGS  
  
PART 9 (FINAL) : NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW  
  
Ranma tumbled down the abyss, mind reeling. Where was he?   
  
Was he in hell? Distorted shapes reached out of the walls,  
  
burning with malevolence, colored pus yellow and dark black.  
  
"SAOTOME!" cried a voice above him. Ryouga was diving,  
  
umbrella point first, directly at him. "YOU WILL DIE HERE!"  
  
A thousand arms reached out for Ranma, grabbing him and  
  
wrapping around like fresh tar. He was immobilized in the tube,  
  
straining against the forces of Ryouga's depression, being pulled  
  
apart at the seams...  
  
Ryouga swooped down, hovering just above Ranma. His eyes  
  
burned red with anger and sadness, tears of pain flowing freely.   
  
He pulled out the umbrella, opening it with a SNAP.  
  
"If she never has me, she'll never have YOU either," he  
  
said, spinning the umbrella in one hand. He made a slicing  
  
maneuver with it, but Ranma managed to wiggle away enough for the  
  
whirling umbrella edge to only cut his shirt sleeve.  
  
"Hold still and let me finish you!" Ryouga demanded,  
  
swinging wildly. His umbrella span, silver edge slicing through  
  
the rubber arms that held him in place, causing inhuman wails to  
  
erupt from the walls. Ryouga covered his ears in pain, letting  
  
the umbrella fall... cutting through the last of Ranma's bonds.  
  
Ranma rubbed off the remaining tar and free-fell, praying  
  
that the bottom wasn't covered in spikes or something like that.  
  
The bottom was covered in spikes.  
  
Ranma quickly examined the pattern, and twisted his body  
  
into an awkward position... landing in such a way as to go around  
  
the spikes, but damaging his body in the process.  
  
"Arggh," he groaned, pulling himself back up to standing.  
  
"RANMA!" Ryouga called, landing on the tip of one of the  
  
spikes, standing on it as easily as standing on a pole.  
  
"Ryouga, jeez, calm down!" Ranma yelled. "Look, I'm sorry  
  
things didn't turn out the way you wanted! Hell, my life hasn't  
  
been a bed of roses either!"  
  
"SHUT UP! You have no idea the hell I've endured!"  
  
"Join the club! I've got three fiancees, several blood  
  
enemies, and a sex change problem. Don't even START to think  
  
that I'm happy."  
  
"At least YOU have Akane," Ryouga said, grabbing a few  
  
bandannas from his pack.  
  
"Who'd want an uncute tomboy like that?" Ranma reflexively  
  
said.  
  
The walls ignited on fire.  
  
"You take that back about her!" Ryouga demanded, swinging  
  
his bandannas in one hand while pointing an accusatory finger.   
  
"You take that back NOW!"  
  
The bandannas flew, tripling in size to become whirring  
  
blades as the skimmed around Ranma.  
  
One of them lopped off his ponytail.  
  
Ranma blinked. He felt up near his hairline, at the broken  
  
stub of hair, still with the string that bound it in place.  
  
"You... cut... my... HAIR..." Ranma said, picking up the  
  
severed ponytail in his hand. He clenched it in his fist.  
  
Ranma charged.  
  
"Boy... Ryouga must have been more depressed than I  
  
thought..." Akane called out, as the two girls free-fell down the  
  
pit.  
  
"I've been with him for the last few days. He's really been  
  
down. Poor guy. He really deserves someone like you."  
  
"But I don't love him," Akane said. "He's nice, he's sweet,  
  
but he's not Ranma."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Sorry. Slip of the tongue... I meant to say, he's not...  
  
umm... what's an adjective that rhymes with 'Ranma'?"  
  
"Save it, I get the picture," Charlotte smiled, blue bow  
  
whipping behind her in the wind of gravity. "Sigh. I guess my  
  
plans didn't work. I'm sorry to manipulate you like that, but  
  
Ryouga really seemed to like you, and I wanted to make him  
  
happy..."  
  
"It's okay," Akane said. "I wonder what's at the bottom of  
  
this pit, anyway?"  
  
(Soundtrack note : Okay, the moment you've all been waiting  
  
for. Take Halo Eight (the downward spiral) and go to March  
  
of the Pigs. It's time. This is meant to be played  
  
extended and without the piano parts, though, to keep with  
  
the pace, but the original should catch some of the mood...)  
  
"One of us isn't leaving here alive, Saotome!" Ryouga said.   
  
"It comes down to this."  
  
"Fine with me," he said, casting the useless fibers of his  
  
hair aside. "You're so intent on crushing me, let's see how good  
  
you are at backing up your own words."  
  
"DIE!" Ryouga shouted, arcing the flames higher, over his  
  
head and redirecting them at Ranma. Ranma gritted his teeth and  
  
punched through the firewall, praying that they weren't real...  
  
...and emerged on the other side, singed but safe. He  
  
reared back and laid a punch on Ryouga, knocking Ryouga off his  
  
feet.  
  
Ryouga laughed, climbing back up to fighting stance. "You  
  
don't stand a chance in here, Saotome! I control this world, and  
  
can use it against you!"  
  
"Big deal. It's just illusions. It doesn't hurt a bit," he  
  
said, shaking some soot off of his shirt. "Come on! Give me  
  
your best shot!"  
  
Ryouga howled, as a thousand little black objects swarmed in  
  
from around his feet, each with glaring white piggy eyes and  
  
little bandannas around him. Ranma backed off, as the wave of P-  
  
Chans rushed forward, nipping at him, biting, scratching.  
  
"The pigs have won tonight, Saotome," Ryouga gloated, as  
  
Ranma was buried in wave after wave of enraged black piglets.   
  
"Admit defeat. Akane is mine!"  
  
Ranma brushed off the pigs, trying to remember they weren't  
  
real. "Just a second ago you were saying she was nobody's! Are  
  
you losing it, Ryouga?"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Ryouga screamed, as the pigs tripled in number.   
  
Ranma was quickly trampled, trying to swim through a sea of  
  
yellow and black. Illusion, dammit, it's just like that Toma  
  
brat from last year...  
  
Ranma stood up, ignoring the pigs. Let them flow THROUGH  
  
me, he thought.  
  
"Illusions can't hurt people, Ryouga," Ranma said.  
  
"Perhaps..." Ryouga said. "But they can scare."  
  
With a flick of the wrist, the waves of pigs were now cats.  
  
Cats.  
  
"Cc....cc..c... CCATS!!" Ranma freaked, spasming and trying  
  
to avoid the black, meowing, pushing, crushing tidal waves of  
  
felines. "AAAUUGUGIEIOEOEEEE!"  
  
"S'matter? Cat got your tongue?" Ryouga joked, reveling in  
  
his own bad pun.  
  
Ranma sat in the cat-sea, unable to move, eyes bulging. His  
  
muscles wouldn't respond.  
  
"Now to finish it..." Ryouga said, a familiar taste of  
  
copper filling his mouth as the yellow aura spread, first over  
  
his back, then flooding towards the front and his outstretched  
  
hands. "ROARING LION--"  
  
"RYOUGA!" Akane yelled, plummeting down. Ryouga stopped,  
  
yellow glow bulging and looking for an outlet. "HELP!"  
  
"A...akane?" Ryouga said, watching her fall. At that speed,  
  
and the ground...  
  
"NO!!" he screamed, projecting safety in all directions.   
  
The cavern of Ryouga's mind flashed, cats replaced with  
  
mattresses, covering all surfaces. Akane and Charlotte bounced  
  
several times before coming to a soft, fluffy halt.  
  
"Akane? Are you alright?" Ryouga asked, extending a glowing  
  
yellow hand towards her. She backed away instinctively.  
  
"Ryouga, did you just try to do your lion blast  
  
thingamajig?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"Yeah... but... I'm much calmer now... I didn't mean to..."  
  
"The power's looking for a way out!" Charlotte said,  
  
pointing to the cooling fires that swept over Ryouga's body.   
  
"You're gonna blow sky high and take Akane, Ranma and me with  
  
you!"  
  
"No! Quick! How did you get here?" Ryouga asked, trying to  
  
pat out the growing sparks and electrical arcs on his skin.  
  
"Magic mirror!"  
  
"Use it again! Get Akane and Ranma out of here!" Ryouga  
  
demanded. "I don't want them hurt!"  
  
"Everybody bunch up where the mirror can see you. You too,  
  
Ryouga, I'm not leaving you here," Charlotte said, trying to  
  
stand on the mattress. Akane dragged Ranma's stunned form over,  
  
and Ryouga stood as closely as he could without hurting the  
  
others.  
  
"Alright, here goes nothing," Charlotte said, tapping the  
  
back of the mirror...  
  
...and Ryouga's mind collapsed.  
  
(Soundtrack note : stop the music, fading down quick)  
  
Akane BAMFed onto the cafe sidewalk, holding Ranma tight.   
  
Charlotte appeared next.  
  
Silence filled the cafe, light pouring away to wherever  
  
light went during the afternoon sunset.  
  
"Where's Ryouga?" Charlotte asked.  
  
"Ummm..." Akane said. "He was in front of the mirror..."  
  
"I'm going back to find him," Charlotte said, flipping the  
  
mirror open again.  
  
"It won't work, sis," Victor said. "If the ban-nan space is  
  
empty, it'll use your own mind. Unless he's still there, which  
  
means you'll end up in his--"  
  
The cafe exploded.  
  
"--technique," Ryouga said faintly from the center of the  
  
shockwave. The building stones were scattered over a one block  
  
radius, leaving mysterious gaps where Buford, Charlotte, Akane  
  
and Ranma stood. Victor groaned under a large rock.  
  
"Sure, leave ME out of your protection," he grumbled, trying  
  
to push the rock away. "Snotty little--"  
  
"Ryouga!" Charlotte called, rushing over to his side. "How  
  
did you..."  
  
"..tried to mix the two... to reroute it and get away..."  
  
Ryouga said, smiling weakly. "I guess it worked... you're safe.   
  
Akane's safe. I'm... quite happy about that."  
  
Ryouga's eyes shut, and his breathing slowed.  
  
"RYOUGA!"  
  
"Get him to Doctor Tofu's," Akane said. "He'll know what to  
  
do."  
  
"I hope so," Charlotte said, supporting Ryouga's head up.   
  
It was bleeding.  
  
Doctor Tofu examined Ryouga, lying peacefully on his bed  
  
with a silly smile spread across his face. The doctor scratched  
  
his chin and sat down on the other bed, taking care not to sit on  
  
Ranma, who had passed out from shock.  
  
"I don't get it," Tofu said. "He's fine... better than  
  
fine, really. Quite healthy with normal EKG readings. He's just  
  
not waking up."  
  
"I'll wake him up," Victor sneered, trying to see under the  
  
massive bandage wrapped around his head. "Hibiki-san, wake up so  
  
I can strangle you--"  
  
"Please?" Buford asked, pleading to Charlotte. Charlotte  
  
nodded. Buford grinned evilly, and tapped Victor on the  
  
shoulder.  
  
"I've been wanting to this for awhile," Buford said, and  
  
smashed Victor across the jaw. Victor span around, surprised,  
  
and collapsed to the ground.  
  
"Buford!" Akane said, annoyed.  
  
"He had it coming," Buford said, massaging life back into  
  
his fist. "Sorry, doc."  
  
"I think I know what to do," Charlotte said, pulling the  
  
disc out of her pocket.  
  
"How do you know it'll work?" Akane asked. "He's really  
  
here, he's not in his mind... is he?"  
  
"One way to check," Charlotte shrugged, opening the mirror.   
  
"Either I'll end up in my own brain or in his. Be right back.   
  
Everybody stay away from the mirror."  
  
Charlotte tapped the back of the mirror, and was gone in the  
  
familiar blast of light.  
  
"I wish she'd stop doing that," Buford said, rubbing his  
  
eyes. "I'm gonna go blind if this keeps up."  
  
Charlotte appeared on the beach, the very beach she had  
  
left. Ryouga was there, basking in the sun and attempting to  
  
read a very bad legal thriller.  
  
"Ryouga!"  
  
"Oh, hello," he said, waving gently to her. "How do you  
  
do?"  
  
"That's what I was going to ask. Come on, Ryouga, wake up  
  
in reality. We're waiting."  
  
"I dunno if I want to," he said. "It's nice here. It's  
  
quiet. I don't turn into a pig in my own mind. I don't get  
  
beaten. I don't have to worry about dating or revenge or even  
  
sleeping. It's nice. Very nice."  
  
"The OTHER problem of the ban-nan mirror," Charlotte said.   
  
"My uncle once used it and never came back. Slipped into a coma  
  
and died three years later."  
  
Ryouga face-faulted. "Died?"  
  
"Yeah, died. Once someone decides they want to stay, their  
  
body is ejected but the mind remains. They have to want to leave  
  
again, either that or kick the bucket later."  
  
Ryouga considered this. "I don't know. It's lousy out  
  
there. Nobody likes me, I get lost all the time, and I'm  
  
unhappy."  
  
"It is possible to be happy in reality, despite the proof to  
  
the opposite you've seen," Charlotte said. "You just need to  
  
know the right people, be with them. Like... me."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Get off it, Hibiki. You're always wailing 'My life sucks!   
  
My life sucks!'. It's people like you that get our generation  
  
labelled. You've had happiness right under your nose and have  
  
ignored it. What about me, bub? You think I was helping you for  
  
my health? I like you, Ryouga. You're a great guy. Come on,  
  
let's get back outside. I'll buy us dinner."  
  
"But in here, I don't need to worry about not having Akane."  
  
"Ryouga, you two weren't meant to be together. Deal,"  
  
Charlotte said. "You can't wallow in your own warm place here  
  
forever when you've got people that care about you on the other  
  
side. I want to stick with you, Ryouga. Let's go. The others  
  
are getting worried."  
  
Ryouga considered this. Sure, living in your own mind meant  
  
never needing to feel pain, never needing to take risks... but  
  
here, there wasn't anybody else. Nobody but him. Forever, until  
  
he died.  
  
"Okay," Ryouga said. He promptly vanished, secondary ban-  
  
nan urges no longer supporting his need to be here. Charlotte  
  
sighed in relief and mirrored out of there.  
  
The island of Ryouga's mind vanished, never to be seen  
  
again.  
  
"He's gonna be okay," Charlotte said, mirroring back into  
  
the room and pocketing the ban-nan for good. "Ryouga, wake up."  
  
Ryouga lie there, still with the smile, still breathing  
  
shallow.  
  
"Come on, quit kidding around. Ryouga? Yoo hoo! Earth to  
  
Hibiki!"  
  
Ryouga didn't move.  
  
"Is he..."  
  
"Gotcha," Ryouga said, sticking out his tongue and laughing.   
  
Charlotte reached out and strangled him.  
  
"You jerk!" she yelled. "Making me think you had... GRRR!"  
  
Ryouga wheezed, trying to pry her hands away. Charlotte let  
  
go. "Well, you're my jerk at least. Welcome home."  
  
"Thanks," Ryouga said, swinging his feet out of bed.  
  
Tofu looked alarmed. "Ryouga, you're in no condition to be  
  
walking around..."  
  
Ryouga ignored him, and walked over to Ranma's bed. "Is  
  
Ranma... okay?"  
  
"He's going to be fine," Doctor Tofu said. "Just a bit of a  
  
shock. Whatever he saw in your mind must have frightened the  
  
living daylights out of him."  
  
Ryouga nodded, and rested a hand on Ranma's arm. "Sorry,  
  
Saotome. Go in peace. Akane?"  
  
"Yes, Ryouga?"  
  
"Take good care of him," Ryouga said. "If you'll excuse me,  
  
I'm starving and need some food."  
  
"Hey boss," Buford said, pulling the crumpled form of Victor  
  
up to its feet. "What do we do with laughing boy here?"  
  
"Send him back to France," Charlotte said. "Attach a note.   
  
I'm not coming back. There's nothing for me there now. Come on,  
  
Ryouga. I have a yen for some okonomiyaki for some reason."  
  
"Where are we going?" Charlotte asked, stepping over a log  
  
as Ryouga led the way.  
  
"Well, I've always wanted to visit Tokyo Disneyland," Ryouga  
  
said. "With this revenge deal and Akane, I've never really left  
  
Nerima without returning. Now's a good opportunity."  
  
"What makes you think we're gonna find it?" Buford asked,  
  
hefting the trio's gear over one shoulder.  
  
"Trust me," Ryouga smiled. "I know the way. It should be  
  
right... over..."  
  
Ryouga's pointing finger lowered, as he looked up. And up.   
  
And up.  
  
"Hey, who put this statue here?" he asked, pointing to the  
  
green, copper state of a lady carrying a torch. Buford groaned.  
  
"Silly," Charlotte said, smiling.  
  
END  
  
(Closing theme : Down In It)  
  
-=-  
  
(author's postscript)  
  
PHEW. One week of slightly tipsy academic standings, and  
  
March of the Pigs is finally done. It's got some problems, but  
  
is pretty damn good for my first fanfic. Look for more. (evil  
  
grin)  
  
Okay, the greets and thanks.  
  
Thanks go out to : Andodikion (who boosted my ranma  
  
collection so I'd finally see P-Chan), Benjamin and Abigail  
  
(faithful readers and good buds), Trent Reznor (for providing the  
  
title pun and general scheme I chose to follow and for not  
  
suing), Megazone (for providing r.a.a.s to us writers in the  
  
first place), Josh (for providing Superior Ranma through his  
  
kick-ass movie set), Julio (how's bowie treatin' ya?), Nick (I'll  
  
return your call when I finish posting this), Rumiko-san (for  
  
draining my money out of the bank by my new anime addiction),  
  
Future Crew (just because they always get da greetz), John Biles  
  
and all other fanfiction writers (rock on!), the folks over at  
  
AnimeMUCK (I'm Tsubasa there, in case nobody knew), PaulS of  
  
ETEXT (without whom my account would be vapor and this story  
  
wouldn't be out), Ryouga (you kick ass, never give up), Buford  
  
(quit whining and I'll make your part bigger), Mikado (maybe next  
  
time), and of course the good folks at Frito Lay for nourishing  
  
me throughout this writing experience.  
  
Ack. Thanks done, now with the postscript. March of the  
  
Pigs has every element I've found to be good and proper in  
  
fanfiction. Random chaos, silliness, bad puns, character  
  
development, someone for Ryouga and the occasionally twisted bit  
  
of darkness. I originally set out NOT to end the Ranma series,  
  
as most fanfictions do, but I just couldn't see leaving Ryouga  
  
friendless and broken in the end... plus, Charlotte was made for  
  
him. Originally she was going to be evil and plotting, like  
  
Kodachi, but that character rubbed me the wrong way, as did  
  
Buford's original cigarette-smoking 'Kill the Lawbreaker'  
  
attitude and Victor's 'All people are mindless sheep and must be  
  
punished' attitude. They were toned down to fit in the comedic  
  
world of Ranma 1/2.  
  
The series technically could have skipped the test date and  
  
Azusa and other silliness, but that wouldn't have given me enough  
  
of a lead in to the concluding battle between Ranma and Ryouga,  
  
where the title track for the series is used.  
  
As for the music... originally it was just going to be a  
  
pun, but when I came up with the neat idea for P-Chan's Nightmare  
  
in part1, I liked that header format with chosen score and kept  
  
it throughout most of the series. I tried to picture what those  
  
scenes would look like... Sasuke's mad dash through the trees to  
  
the tune of March of the Fuckheads, P-Chan's spiral into pain  
  
with Help Me I Am In Hell, and Ryouga's beach dream with A Warm  
  
Place. Azusa's happy music and Pinion don't really fit, but  
  
that's minor. The closing songs are mostly just for pun-  
  
silliness, except latter parts where I felt that wacky fun didn't  
  
fit the closing mood.  
  
That's it. If I do another fanfiction series (very likely),  
  
it probably won't be an extension of March of the Pigs, since  
  
Ryouga would be left out. I'll probably center the next one on  
  
Mousse, who also deserves a little justice done... until then,  
  
love, luck and lollipops.  
  
Doesn't it make you feel better?  
  
The pigs have won tonight  
  
They can all sleep soundly  
  
And everything is alright.  
  
 


End file.
